MindForce: Mental Fitness & Life Stories!
Join Nate on MindForce, a podcast exploring the intersection of love, life, and learning. Through authentic conversations and personal stories, we dive into the complexities of mental fitness, self-care, and personal growth. With a focus on empathy, resilience, and inspiration, MindForce is a safe space for listeners to reflect, learn, and connect with others. Tune in for thought-provoking discussions, heartfelt stories, and practical insights to help you navigate life's challenges and cultivate a stronger, wiser you!
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***The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely those of the individual(s) involved and do not reflect the official policy or position of the United States Air Force, the Department of Defense, or any other agency of the United States Government.***
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MindForce: Mental Fitness & Life Stories!
Strengthening Family Bonds: Mama Mavel on Video Games, Empathy, and Family Connections
Velma Gentzsch, a.k.a. Mama Mabel, shares how embracing video games helped her connect with her son. Through gaming, they built resilience, improved their communication, and deepened their bond, turning challenges into opportunities for growth and understanding.
• Connecting with kids through their interests
• The transformative power of video games in parenting
• Importance of "special time" for emotional connection
• Navigating screen time and digital boundaries
• Building resilience and patience through gaming experiences
• Encouraging children to express their struggles and triumphs
• Discovering joy in gaming as a family activity
• Recognizing the learning opportunities within failures in games
• Emphasizing the collaborative aspects of gaming for social skills
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you, welcome to Mindforce. I'm your host, nate Shear, and this is the show where love, life and learning come together. Your mind is what matters most here Today we have Velma Ginch, aka Mama Mabel, and today we will be talking about the importance of connecting with your children, what's good about video games and how video games can bring you closer to your kids. So, mama Mabel, we're going to start with the warm-up the who, what and why. Who are you, what do you do and why are you here?
Speaker 2:All right. Well, it's good to be here with you. Thank you so much. I appreciate your flexibility in having to reschedule it because of life events the last couple of times. So thank you. Life is crazy life can be crazy. So I am velma gench and I am a mom. That's one of the things I am. My kid is 14 and um I. I help parents connect with their kids through video games, because that was not something that I got and my kid taught me. I wasn't.
Speaker 2:I wasn't a video game person and very screen skeptical. And that's not my kid. He is a tech little tech genius and I'm like my. I don't want to be replaced by pixels. So I'm gonna go in here with him and I was astonished by everything that I learned and how much fun that we've got to have since that.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. So, and the what I think.
Speaker 2:that's the why I think that's all.
Speaker 1:Yeah, helping people, yeah yeah, and I think that's a really good reminder of meeting people where they're at. I mean, if we're talking about work or relationships or whatever it is, I mean we probably say it, but actually following through and meeting the person where they're at is really important. So, before we get into your warm-up, I wanted to see if you had a question for me.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm assuming you have kids, is that true?
Speaker 1:I do yeah, Three.
Speaker 2:Three kids, ooh, what are their ages?
Speaker 1:11, 10, and 6.
Speaker 2:If you're willing to, say 9, 10, and 6?.
Speaker 1:Yeah, of course. Yeah, so two girls a a boy boys at the bottom. Uh, he's getting beat up by his two older sisters, not beat up physically, but bullied, I guess okay, so you said ten, nine and six, is that right? Eleven, ten and six eleven, ten and six.
Speaker 2:Okay, uh, do they play video games?
Speaker 1:they do. Yeah, uh, trying to get my son uh involved in you know doing some of the stuff with the Switch and things like that I was trying to show him. We found we just moved to the UK and so you find stuff you know from the move and whatnot. So I just found the Game Boy Color I was trying to show him. He's like this screen's small and this it's just funny. So he primarily plays on the Switch mall and this it's just funny. So he uh primarily plays on the switch. And what's really cool right now is he's connecting things from different uh medias, which I think is really cool. So he's been watching pokemon quite a bit and so now he gets to jump on and play and see the characters that he interacts with.
Speaker 1:And so he went to the solastic book fair you know we love the the book fair and so he has an encyclopedia of all the pokemon and and so I just think it's so cool across the media as he's reading and you know we do like 30 minutes to an hour of reading when they get home from school, so he's doing that and he's switching over between the screens and the books and it all comes together so it's like the whole universe, Pretty cool.
Speaker 2:Cool, that's very cool. So, my real question is tell me something that you're really proud of in your parenting, something I'm really proud of, like give me a brag or just something going really well.
Speaker 1:Um, I think one thing that I've worked on a lot and I think I do a much better job than I did as as a younger person is I struggled a lot with, um, impatience and anger and things like that, um, and so I actually have a tattoo representing that the yin and yang of, like water and fire.
Speaker 1:My mom said if I got any, they had to be important and meaningful. So it's like the thing where I was really frustrated and I had a lot of emotions that went in different directions, and so I think that's one thing I've worked on slowing down and, you know, figuring out what's going on with the kids and, you know trying to help them process emotions, and so I think you know, while having kids, it helps you learn and fix some of the things in yourself as well, because when you get frustrated and then they're frustrated, nothing gets any better, and so it's one of those things like it does help, you know, you fix some stuff. So I think I do a much better job always working on things. I don't want to say it's all squared away, but now, being 36, as opposed to you know, like 18, to you know, 25, I'm way slower and calmer and patient, and I think that a lot of that was processed through the kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, nice Kids are our greatest teachers. At least my kid has been my greatest teacher and it has showed me all the ways that I was not able to show up how I wanted to, and it inspired me to go do the work on myself so that I could show up for him how I wanted to.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. You're a big mirror, I guess, just showing you what's going on right in your face.
Speaker 2:Yeah, huge yes.
Speaker 1:Billboard of mirrors. Yep. So the first fun question I got for you if you could live in any video game world for a day, which world would it be, and why?
Speaker 2:oh, oh I would probably like. There are some really gorgeous video games out there. Like most of them, I have not played. I just see them and I'm like, wow, that's so pretty. Like Genshin Impact is gorgeous.
Speaker 2:I haven't played it, but it's gorgeous and I kind of want to play it just because it's so pretty but, if I could live in a video game for a day, I would probably live in Minecraft, because that's the one I have the most experience with, and I think I would probably want it to be in a creative world Minecraft and not a survival world Minecraft, because I wouldn't last the full day in a survival world Minecraft.
Speaker 1:No zombies.
Speaker 2:Zombies are fine, and creative or peaceful, it's OK.
Speaker 1:That makes sense. I think that's probably the best option. Right Creating stuff making stuff that's a good one Makes sense. I think that's probably the best option right Creating stuff making stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, but I'd want to bring my kid with me because, like his imagination is I don't know, it blows me away the things he wants to create and I would probably just make a farm. That's just what I usually do is just make a farm.
Speaker 2:But like yeah, so I would want to go there with him and and not not just that I would want to go to the mama mavel biome, for for my birthday this year my kid made me my own minecraft instance with the mama mavel biome in it, which is like all my favorite colors and like my favorite, like village type.
Speaker 1:So that's where I would want to go oh, there it is, that makes sense, built just for you and the other question I had is if parenting came with a power-up from a video game, what would it be and why? That's tough.
Speaker 2:I just want to say these are great questions, so awesome, that's so fun yeah gotta have some fun um, okay, the one that I wish for the most when I'm playing all the video games is just to like. The most when I'm playing all the video games is just to like, like, lay on the bed in Minecraft and it just becomes morning. It's like, not that I, it's like, and you just have all the energy that you had before.
Speaker 1:It's like how amazing would that be. A little time control control.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a little like time. It's not exactly a power-up, but it's a video game feature that I like, really love. It's like if we could I like that.
Speaker 1:I like that in zelda you sit by the fire and then you can pick what time you want to go to or whatnot not to get a certain things. Yeah, that's a good one. Okay, so we'll move into laying the foundation. So the first thing we got up on the docket is importance of connecting with your kid. So what's been the most important lesson you've learned about building a strong connection with your child? Oh.
Speaker 2:The most important lesson in building a strong connection with my child. Well, it's more. It's about what he needs not necessarily what I need. It's about how he needs to connect in that moment and not like my idea of what he should have or do or need or be to connect in that moment.
Speaker 2:So it's about being present with him, instead of having my own preconceived notions or expectations or ideas about how it should be done, because my kid is unique, your kid is unique and the most important tool for being able to connect with them is just being available and open and accepting of who they are in that moment.
Speaker 1:Kind of reminds me of the love languages, like the way you put stuff out into the world and how you connect with people and things like that. Sometimes you want to do the do it the way that you either have been raised or you receive it and I know some people don't necessarily agree with the book but just that general thing of like stopping and thinking about what the other person needs as opposed to what you need or, like you said, what you believe is fixing. Like oh, I'm doing all these chores for them and they're like they don't care about chores, so you need to do something else.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and with parenting, like a lot of parents who want to be good parents read a lot of books and in the books it says do this and do this and do this and like those are really good ideas, but they may or may not work for you and your kid or they may need some kind of tweaks or something to make it so that it's useful. So there's like the ways that we were brought up, but then there's also almost like the shoulds that we invite from trying to do the good parenting thing. Oh sorry, hey, how about that?
Speaker 1:that that's always super funny to me too, because, like, when people are about to have kids or whatnot, they're like, oh, do you have any tips? Do you have any advice? Like no, like there's no handbook, there's no specific way, like, try your best, you won't really know until they're like 20 and you know they become a hopefully a good member of society or not. But like you really don't know. But it's just so comical to me because, like to your point, like the you know now and before, I just remember like you're supposed to, you know, wrap them up. You're not supposed to wrap them up. You're supposed to put them on their side. No, they're back. You're supposed to give them chocolate? No, chocolate. And like even us, like red wine's good one year and red wine's bad the next year. What is going on?
Speaker 1:So it's just like try your best at whatever works, you know. As long as you're not, you know, jacking it up too bad, I think you'll be OK. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing and tell the other parents is that like, if you are trying, if you are aspiring to be a good parent to your kid, then you are a good parent to your kid because you are already starting right. You are putting in your best effort already. You already care, you already care, and that is the baseline.
Speaker 1:So I wanted to ask one question, hopefully not too personal.
Speaker 2:I don't want to get too deep, but I was curious. You know the early parenting journey you had and your experience with the trauma at the NICU. How did that shape? You know your importance on wanting to have a connection. Well, the importance of wanting to have a connection actually started way before that. It started with my childhood.
Speaker 2:I had a very chaotic childhood with, like, my first year of life was very chaotic, and the same with my then-husband Like his first year was very chaotic and the same with my my then husband, like his first year was very chaotic. So like I came into parenting, like wanting to be that attached parent, that person who was just there. So I had this like super mom, like syndrome that's what I like to call it. It's like I am going to do all the things and the role of NICU and it's not too personal a question, Like it's more, it's important for us to be able to talk about these things. So the role of NICU, it's like NICU, like okay. So first of all, birth is a big experience anyway. Hmm, is a big experience anyway, you add, in NICU or any kind of hospital experience usually, and that's a traumatic thing. A baby comes into this world and they expect to be held and be with the person that they've been with and in a NICU experience they're taken from that person, they're put in a plastic box and they're stuck and like poked and stickered.
Speaker 2:And I did not leave NICU for a week, I stayed with my kid, I did not look out a window for a week because I wanted to be there and like it was a really challenging start to motherhood and a really challenging start to life for my kid and it set us up for me with extreme fatigue and it set him up for extreme separation, anxiety and over the years, especially like his first three years, I was able to kind of piece together like some of his responses to life and eventually connected them back to oh he he was.
Speaker 2:For example, he was terrified of band-aids for up until he was about three and what happened at three, like between two and three, is like oh, oh, he's scared of sticky things Because he had the sticky things, the little sensors four of them on his chest and he associated that sticky stuff with like early life and like that hard experience. So I stocked up on Band-Aids and we played with band-aids until it was not a traumatic thing Like I let him put band-aids on me all the time, because like that was a scary thing and like it was a way for us to play with um the hard experience, to allow it to transform.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that makes sense. One thing I think that's just crazy is the amount of the line of code of DNA that goes into a baby and, like all the you know things that have to line up perfectly. I think you know modern medicine and whatnot. We've kind of almost gotten used to like, oh, everything should be fine every time, but there is so much that has to turn out perfect. So my first daughter, she was born with a mole on her eye for lack of a better term, and so when she was six months old she had to go under anesthetic and you know, a tiny baby, you just don't want to see them like to your point at the hospital. It's a baby going under. It just feels wrong, but they have to cut it off so that it doesn't continue to to grow and shape, because it would have continued to, uh, shape the concave of her eye. It would have turned, you know, more into a football, uh than a beach ball, and so it had more of an astigmatism and more troubles down the road. Um, so you know more into a football, uh than a beach ball, and so it had more of a stigmatism and more troubles down the road. Um, so you know everything.
Speaker 1:For the most part, 99.9 percent of her code was like perfect, but there's one thing, the mole on her eye, so just so much it has to line up to be to be perfect, and I think we sometimes kind of forget like oh, no, it should be in and out and it's no big deal, like no, it's. It's a massive experience and you know millions of data, you know points of code that have to all line up, and so one other thing I wanted to touch on is it's interesting to me like how your raise and whatnot does shape you and so like it was me and my mom uh, kind of against the world, and so my mom got remarried and I have a siblings and sometimes, like I get the jab or kind of get poked fun of like I'm the favorite and you know these different things when I come home, mom's, like you know, but we have a different bond and relationship. Where it was me, we were on food stamps, we were in apartments, we were trying to get through it. Like I didn't act up as much as you know. You know later on, maybe because, like I knew that we needed to be in it together, like it was us against the world. There was no like option.
Speaker 1:So one story I like to share, because it's just awesome, of my mom I got my tonsils out when I was three years old because they were the size of golf balls and I couldn't breathe, decided to go in and get those removed, and so all you can do when you're a kid is you want to watch TV and I had to eat popsicles because my throat was all messed up. So we were in a small apartment and it was two stories and the bed was in one room or one floor, and then the TV was in another. So my mom dragged the mattress from one story down to the other so I could just sit there, veg out, watch TV and eat the popsicles. I'm like so in my mind, like my mom is my hero and she's my connection and that bond. So sometimes it is a little frustrating. Oh, you know, favorite and those different things. It's like ha ha, but it's like you just can't have that same thing. There's no way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Sounds like she was a really really amazing mom.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she is wonderful. I can't wait for her to come out and visit. Yay, oh, good Yay. Next summer we got to figure out the visa stuff the UK. The next question I had for you is what's one small but powerful way you found a bond with your child during life's busiest moments?
Speaker 2:Parenting, which is a nonprofit based in the States that has international reach.
Speaker 2:It has trained instructors all over the world and it teaches five simple connection tools.
Speaker 2:And there's one tool that is my go-to. No matter what, and even when life is chaotic and crazy, I would always make time to do this with my kid, and it's called special time and that is where I would set a timer, and sometimes it would be three minutes, sometimes it would be 15 minutes, sometimes it would be half an hour, depending on whatever is happening in life, and for that amount of time I would say when he was little, I would say, hey, do you want some special time? And he'd be yeah, and we'd set the timer. And during special time it's like I get to do and be enthusiastic and just love the hell out of my kid and just pour my attention and warmth onto him. And we would do that every day before school, every day before school, because it helped set him up for going into the day full, with a full bucket, knowing that I loved him in a way that he could feel it, and and you had that dedicated time and sometimes literally it was three minutes and sometimes like it was five minutes.
Speaker 2:But I would set myself up so that I could always be sure to do that on some level with him. And he's 14 now and when kids get older things shift. We don't have announced special time every day anymore, but most mornings before school he still wants to come hang out with me and like show me stuff he's working on or tell me like the cool thing that he built in Minecraft or what he's like like doing on his laptop. So like that is the foundation that, even during the craziest times, has sustained us.
Speaker 1:And that's because you laid the foundation and you built that muscle memory and whatnot. That's amazing. It reminds me of an episode I just mentioned it. I think I've mentioned it on the show a couple of times but I just love it. But I think it was the guy from the CEO of Southwest. He was talking about how you can find somebody's true priorities. Because you ask people their priorities, they're like yeah, this or that. He's like check their calendar and their checkbook. So if you're intentional and you actually care, you'll put the money in and you'll block the time, Because sometimes we say like you know, oh, you can talk to me anytime or you can do this. I know in the military we love the open door policy, you can swing by anytime. But it's different when it's intentional and the time is blocked. If I know the time is blocked, like I can go to you, but it's just a different feeling, um, of connection and whatnot. If you are, you know, blocking the time and I think it's pretty amazing. I'm glad you mentioned the three minutes. Like it's three minutes, like even that you know, dedicated time where you are there in the presence of that person.
Speaker 1:Um, I saw something somewhere where it was like the parent was getting pulled to all these different rooms and doing all these different things and it's like why am I having to do all these different things? And like, ultimately, you are the toy in essence. Like it's you, they want. They want to spend the time in connection with you, so it doesn't matter that you're, you know, doing this in this room and reading here. And then he's like I forgot I wish I remember what it was, but it was a dad, think he's like I'm being pulled from all these different things. It's like you're the thing actually, Like you're the thing that they want, not the book or the toy or whatever it is.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:They want our attention.
Speaker 2:They want our attention more than anything. And like I don't know, I one of my favorite brags is that my 14 year old still wants my attention. He's like Mom, mom, hey, look, mom. Like yeah, brags, is that my 14 year?
Speaker 1:old still wants my attention he's like mom, mom, hey, look mom. Like yeah, okay, there's that famous quote when, like people stop bringing you problems, you've completely lost them. And I think it's that same thing, like if they won't come to you and talk to you and have that conversation, then like you're, you know you're kind of past the point. I mean, I'm sure you could rekindle and things like that, but but if they don't want to talk, then you know that connection's gone, which I think leads us into the next thing. So the next thing is the good in video games, which I think this will be pretty fun. So what was your initial perspective I think you touched on it very briefly on video games, and how has it changed now?
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So you weren't really into them.
Speaker 2:No, well, we can start with like, okay, I'm a new mom, I'm in San Francisco or Oakland, the Bay Area, and like I lend towards, like I have a history in environmental nonprofit work, so I lend towards like the hippie side of things and you know, I was like not too big into like screens. It's like you know we're not supposed to have screens for a kid. So his early years but I was also like didn't have any family, didn't have a lot of support, was a stay at home mom doing most of it myself. And I'm like, okay, ipad is kind of my village. And I'm like, okay, ipad is kind of my village, but it was very curated and it was still monitored, very, very, very monitored and limited, limited. It's like, okay, I need to like think about something for 15 minutes. Here is a screen.
Speaker 2:So that's where we started and everything shifted at about eight. Eight was when we got into Minecraft, because his friends at school were into Minecraft and what they played on the playground was Minecraft. And I'm like, okay, I don't want to be one of those, I don't want my kid to be one of those kids who has absolutely no reference to pop culture or anything and it's just like kind of an outcast, because he's just I've, I've sheltered him from all of it. So I'm like, okay, let's check out Minecraft so you have some idea of what the heck is going on here. So we got into Minecraft and he really loved it, really loved it, and I did not get it at all. I'm like this is ugly, this is boring, this is but fine, okay, I'm here for it.
Speaker 2:So special time this is like we're like that building that muscle of special time was good for me because I knew how to come to him and go okay, I'm here and I am genuinely curious about what you're doing. So I was able to bring that curiosity and that assumption that what he's interested in is good to that video gaming experience is good to to that video gaming experience and it so fast forward two more years. He's really really into minecraft. It's 2020, he's 10, it's pandemic. We're out in the country, there's no one for him to play with. And he's like mom, will you play with me? And I'm like, uh, uh, okay. And this is where it got really, really hard, because I suck at video games you gotta start somewhere.
Speaker 2:I know, I know, like I didn't grow up with them, so like it's not a thing that these fingers naturally know how to do. And, um, we would argue he would get frustrated with me because I was so bad at it. And I would like I would get frustrated with myself because I was so bad at it, but I wanted to stay in it with my kids. So I stayed in it with my kid and it was, that was a period of time where it was him and me, kind of like you and your mom. It was him and I and like we were, we were it, we were what we had. We also had that and seven cats, but they don't play Minecraft.
Speaker 1:The cats weren't picking up the controllers.
Speaker 2:No, they weren't, and eventually I got better and eventually it became fun. And you talk about resilience, like video games taught me resilience, and I realized that they taught my kid resilience, because video games aren't about winning, they're actually about losing and losing and losing and losing, and starting over and over and over again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think there's a lot of important lessons that are learned. It's interesting because people, you know, see the people that sit in their room and they for some reason just highlight all the negative aspects of it, like, oh, you sit in there and you're a loner and this and that. But I think there's an important element of that fortitude and things like that wanting to beat the levels and push on and dedication, because when you get into school, like college and things like that, like through high school, you know maybe you're getting you know help and assistance. So once you're getting like college or even you know for work, like no one's going to help you or hold your hand. They're like, oh, you'll figure it out. So critical thinking and trying to push through some of those things it's almost all games have some level of puzzle or something where you got to think through it and use those critical thinking skills. It's not straightforward and right there, maybe like Go simulator, maybe not so much.
Speaker 2:Power Wash simulator is pretty straightforward. Minecraft requires a lot of project planning. If you want to build a redstone contraption, you have to do a whole heck of a lot to gather your resources to do that thing. So, that's a really cool benefit of video games.
Speaker 1:So as he progressed through, like how did you I think you know you touched on it, but briefly but can you expand on, like what he had access to and for how long? And you know I'd like kind of curious not to go like negative, but I know, with my family, we, you know, we're a little freaked out with like roadblocks and some other things because of the chat function and like people yeah being inappropriate and things on there.
Speaker 1:So we love like the ability to play games and be creative. But what do you have in like the more cautionary side, I guess?
Speaker 2:okay. Well, yes, this is a great question and something very, very common from parents, and there are, I will say. There are the standard parental controls and you. You can use those, but as your kid gets older, they'll all be able to work around them. So that's not the answer.
Speaker 2:That's one of the reasons why connection is so important. The more you are able to join your kid in their world, to learn about what they love to be, have, we want them to feel supported and Like welcome, to come to you. That that connection, that being welcome to come to you when something's weird, when something's off, when something doesn't fit right or feel right. Come to you to help with, for help, without feeling like they're going to be judged or shamed. That is the most important thing that we can do to protect our kids. So you do need to have conversations that are like these are the things that are not okay on video games. These are the things that, if they happen like, I want you to know that it's like not acceptable for other people to be behaving this way and if that happens, I want to be able to help you way and if that happens, I want to be able to help you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that makes sense. I think that goes back to what we just said, like being able to bring the problems to you. If you have the connection, they can have that conversation and bring stuff up to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 1:So for people that are out there that you know don't like maybe the specific same type of games or things like that, what do you have for you know finding like maybe the specific same type of games or things like that, what do you have for you know finding the common ground? Do you guys both play like your individual thing, do you guys do more co-op, or is it just, I guess, case by case, on what works for people and their families?
Speaker 2:it's definitely case by case, like, and this is where, like that, I I love the idea of experimentation. Parenting is a big experiment.
Speaker 1:No handbook.
Speaker 2:Try something on and see if it works. So the first step is to be curious about what they're interested in and join them if you can. But another thing to know is that joining them sometimes looks like just watching them play. Sometimes it looks like watching a YouTube video of somebody else play, and that is playing, because that's how they learn. That's how they learn and get ideas for new things to do in the game, because video games don't come with instructions either.
Speaker 1:We used to get the books back in the day.
Speaker 3:I don't think they do the guide books anymore, do they.
Speaker 1:They don't. We just got rid of paper.
Speaker 2:I know Well, they replaced it with YouTube. Yeah, I guess that's what switched out. And then okay for other. And so my kid, he plays a lot of games that are like solo kind of games and like no Man's Sky, or I just watch him play that. And then there's one game I forget the name of it where I'm like, where he's driving the mouse, but like we're playing it together because I'm like, oh hey, let's go check out that thing over there and we're solving the puzzles together but he's the one with the mouse.
Speaker 2:So that's another way to play and then another way to play. You play it good oh, have you played.
Speaker 1:It takes two takes yes, that's so fun.
Speaker 2:I'm playing that with my partner right now well, that's a great one it is a great one. I would. I want to do that with my kid at some point frustrating, but a good one.
Speaker 1:What's the one where you cook food? I just lose that one.
Speaker 2:You gotta serve the food and shoot around.
Speaker 1:Oh no, that's gonna bug me now I'll come back, but we've played it a couple times and we only make it, I think, like 30 minutes and we have to quit because everyone's got a different theory on what should be happening at any given time.
Speaker 2:Well, this goes back to another benefit of video games. Video games teach collaboration and communication. There is the stereotype of the loner gamer. But my kid plays with his friends on video games and I have heard them argue. I have heard them solve problems. I have heard them argue. I have heard them solve problems. I have heard them have so much fun, but it's through the medium of video games. So video games do build social skills. So I just want to put that in there as one of the benefits yeah, that's definitely true.
Speaker 1:It reminds me I saw one the other day where, like, the husband can't find anything but then he's on call of duty and he's like over there, two miles to the left, there he is and like calling out where all the things are. Like you can't find anything but you can find the guy up on the hill in the sniper post, like uh so, but that was kind of my next question.
Speaker 1:I was curious uh, is there a specific story uh that brought out a skill? Or video games brought out a skill, unexpected skill or quality in your child that um, let me think about my child.
Speaker 2:Let's see. So, one of the so my, my kid, through video games, through minecraft, through mods, like he has become, he's becoming a programmer. He is learning computer languages. He's currently working on Lulu or something like that.
Speaker 1:I thought that was a fitness brand.
Speaker 2:I don't know all the things I try, but I still don't know all the things I try, but I still don't know all the things. I was really surprised by, like how his interest in Minecraft has taken him down this like computer engineering programming track, and it took him to this place where, like it started with just playing a game but now he's like configuring operating systems and setting up servers and like making mod packs and developing his own mods for the game and I'm like it's actually really cool. That's like tangible skills, like that's awesome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's good stuff. Um, the next question I had. It's sort of similar, but what's one game or gaming experience that surprised you by creating a positive family environment?
Speaker 2:Smash Bros.
Speaker 1:Oh, that brings you together.
Speaker 2:Yes, I love Smash Bros.
Speaker 1:Who's your character?
Speaker 2:I recently unlocked Bayonetta and she is really cool, but before that, my primary is the yoga trainer oh, I like dark samus you know, um, my kid loves samus, any of the samus he's like.
Speaker 1:Really terrifying with that that charge up is just unfair.
Speaker 2:Samus donkey kong uh, my partner's primary is donkey kong oh, that wind up is great too.
Speaker 1:I love how you can knock him into the ground and then punch him in the face. Something's so satisfying about that yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's a quick game that it's fun. It's chaotic, there's a lot of laughter and it's one that I'm decent at, so it's more fun for us to play together. That makes sense A little bit of button mashing. Yeah, no, I'm really good at button machine that's back to the three minutes.
Speaker 1:You got three minutes. Set the set, the clock, yeah, um, okay. Well, that, uh, concludes that section. The next section we got is how video games can deepen the connection, so we've been kind of going over that throughout the whole thing. The next question is what's an example of a game that helped you and your child relate to each other in new ways?
Speaker 2:Well, it's always going to be Minecraft. For me, that's the primary game that my kid and I play. That's the primary game that my kid and I play, and one of the the a really cool way that we relate in Minecraft is that he gets to be the teacher. He gets to be the expert and he gets to be the person who knows all the things and gets to coach me.
Speaker 1:Which is wild Cause. That's not part of the game, right. It's a thing that's a second and third order effect and I know we talk a lot about like if you are really good at something, you can teach it. I mean, if you can relay and teach and you are really squared away and know all that stuff, that's like the highest level, right, like application and then teaching.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's. It's been really awesome over the last probably four years to see his patience and enthusiasm and just general positivity grow in being able to teach me and then I see it with his friends, I see it with in other areas in his life like he's actually really good at that now.
Speaker 1:so I guess I must have been a really like challenging student because he has a lot of patience it taught him some other skills yeah, yeah yeah, that's interesting because we talked about the computer programming super tangible skill, but patience you're moving into soft skills, being able to handle things, and when we do get into work and coworkers and teams and things like that or we talked about earlier kids, I mean that's pretty far off but patience for the kids will be good too. So some really good things. It's just kind of sad to me that the people hone in on all the negative aspects of it. It's like you know, in almost everything in the world there's good and bad. It's like, why is this one thing? We kind of highlight all the negative? It's like there's a lot of good things and we look at those too there are there are, then that's that's what I'm about.
Speaker 2:That's that's why I have the material that I do and have the conversations that I have yeah, highlight the good stuff.
Speaker 1:Can you describe a moment where gaming gave you insight into your child's struggles?
Speaker 2:oh, um, yes, so I remember this so clearly. This was one of my most painful moments in gaming. So a little over a year ago I started playing by myself and I started streaming myself playing because I wanted to show that moms, even if they suck at video games, can have a good time. And I was in this Minecraft world and I was off exploring and I had all the gear and night time snuck up on me and I had like full inventory and I had diamonds and like I got clobbered that nighttime and I was a long ways from my bed and I lost all my stuff and like I had worked so hard for all of that and I was just devastated Utterly. I cried because I was so sad about having worked hard and lost all my stuff and that might. That happened with my kid, like where I'm, like oh, oh, that's what he was feeling, oh god give me so much empathy for my kid's experience that connection I used to play a game called eve online.
Speaker 1:It's like a wow uh in space, so massive multi MMORPG where you fly around in spaceships and in certain areas there's like no rules and so you can get blown up. And when you get blown up your ship is completely gone, so you got to jump around all these different areas and build it back up and so it takes, you know, a portion of a day to get back to where you were.
Speaker 1:And so I remember the guy I used to play with. He was in the house and he like threw his keyboard down the hall and it's like kind of the same thing it was before I started playing. I was like why is he so mad? It's just a game. And then you start playing and you're like, oh yeah, that's a terrible day.
Speaker 1:He lost a huge ship that cost all this money and it's like oh yeah, that would be pretty bad because in that game you can actually translate in-game money to real money. So I think at that given time he lost like maybe 200 real dollars. It's like, oh yeah, you could definitely be pretty mad, um, but that's interesting. Yeah, that connection and empathy being able to because one thing you know, sympathy versus empathy like oh yeah, that kind of sucks, but actually know and feel it because you've been there is completely different. So you said you play a little bit of Super Smash Brothers, you play some Minecraft. So I'm curious, what's your favorite gaming tradition or routine that you continue to do today? Is it Minecraft still?
Speaker 2:Yeah, like it's really fun to play Minecraft with my kid. He has a server with his friends and I get on with him and sometimes his friends every week or so and check out what they're doing and make sure they have stuff to eat. That's like I'm still the mom in Minecraft.
Speaker 1:Even in the digital world still feeding them Hot Pocket. That's awesome, like it's really funny.
Speaker 2:But like, yeah, it's like we do that and like there was there was a. My kid goes to his dad's every other weekend and, um, I was having a hard day and I was really like feeling isolated and lonely. And and my kid got home that night and he's like, well, mom, why didn't you ask me to play?
Speaker 1:Oh, that would have made everything better.
Speaker 2:That would have made everything better.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, it makes everything better, so I want to try to wrap everything up together. We went through a lot of goodness today, so how have your experiences from early parenting challenges we talked about the NICU to using gaming as a tool shaped your overall philosophy on raising connected kids?
Speaker 2:Raising connected kids works, if it can, if if I can become a gamer and if, like my kid can like, if we can be like peaceful around gaming, it works like he's 14. I say, hey, dude, it's time for dinner. He's like, oh, okay, and he shuts everything down and he comes up for dinner Like we don't have the conflicts. We don't have the arguments that are really common stereotypes around this Like this this works, I and and we have fun, so it's worth it. It's worth the work to put into it.
Speaker 1:So I'm curious on that now um, did you initially have limits on screen time or things like that, as you were building up the connectedness? I mean, it works now, as you guys have kind of done that, but did you have rules and things like that? Because it feels like dragging them from the tablets and things like that is kind of difficult sometimes. Mine are younger, maybe that's part of it, but how did you work that transition?
Speaker 2:That's a great. That is the other question that all the parents ask, so we. The first thing is that the amount of time a kid spends on a screen is individual to that kid in that family and it changes for different ages and different scenarios. So, yes, there were limits on his screen time when he was younger and I would experiment with that based on what he was like when he came off the screen. It's like, oh okay, that was probably too long, let's shorten the time.
Speaker 2:So that's something that you get to play with with your family, and for one kid 30 minutes may be too much. For another kid, two hours is easy. So again, it just depends and that's the other thing is that ending a game time, ending screen, that's a muscle, that's a skill, it takes practice, it takes reps and my job is to be his coach in ending that screen time. So I have a whole little mini-courser thing. That's about that.
Speaker 2:That is just about the endings and again it starts with connection, connection. You have that foundation of connection, you understand the game. You help like the shorthand is, like you help him figure them, figure out like what is a good amount of thing to try and do, like set up good expectations, set up a good plan and then, when it's time for the ending to happen, you come in before the end and you stay with them through the end and after so that they're transitioning their connection to the screen and the game back to you, back to the in real life people.
Speaker 2:Because it can be a jarring experience to go from being really in a gaming experience or a screen experience to like nothing and nowhere. You can just be kind of flailing and lost.
Speaker 1:Yeah that makes sense, I guess you gotta have a good transition.
Speaker 2:It's all about helping them transition. So that's the Clip Notes version of that one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's interesting because we were doing an hour every night and then we transitioned to no screens throughout the week, but then on the weekends. But then that's kind of weird because then he just wants to live on it for the whole Saturday and Sunday. That's kind of weird because then he just wants to live on it for the whole Saturday and Sunday and that's not good either. So I think the core of you know what you said is just trying to adjust and try to figure out what that looks like. Maybe it is the hour through the weekdays and then you know four hour or whatever the time frame is during the weekend.
Speaker 1:I don't think the all or none at least for him didn't really seem to work, because then he's just all in. Didn't really seem to work because then he's just all in. But I like the transition back to the other, because you're using your creative skills and you're fantasizing and you're, you know, working on your plans and all that. That is a pretty tough thing. We're just stopping everything after you put all that mental effort and everything in there. So that's a good one. Transition back to the people that are there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and one other note about the all or nothing is that and I know we need to wrap up, but this is a good one is that when a kid knows that they can come back to it, and when a kid knows that you support their gaming experience and know that it's important to them, it's easier for them to let it go.
Speaker 1:They're not losing it, they're just going to go back. It's not goodbye, but you know, see you in a little bit Exactly.
Speaker 2:That's a good one. That's exactly it.
Speaker 1:So, in conclusion, I wanted you to what's one takeaway you hope parents gain from your story about connecting with their children in today's world? Oh. Do it.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, have fun, play, it's worth it. Don't be afraid to mess it up. Don't be afraid to be bad at it.
Speaker 1:You gotta be bad at everything for a little while.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you gotta be bad at everything for a little while. Yeah, but if you're afraid of playing games with your kid because you're bad at it, like that's, it's worth it to get to work through that absolutely well, velma.
Speaker 1:Thank you for coming out. I encourage listeners to share their thoughts and questions on social media or email. We got facebook buzzsprout, tiktok youtube all over the place trying to figure it out. I'm old, so, uh, tiktok's a little weird for me, but I'm trying to figure it out. I love you all see ya, thank you.
