Beyond Silence: The Journey to Better Mental Health for Men w/ Solomon Richberg

Licensed therapist Solomon Richburg shares powerful insights on men's mental health, breaking down the barriers that prevent men from seeking support and setting healthy boundaries. We explore why healthy social connections are the foundation of mental wellness and how small steps can lead to profound change.

• Boundary setting is crucial yet challenging for men who often default to people-pleasing
• Creating solutions rather than just saying "no" can strengthen relationships while protecting your needs
• The "pull yourself up by bootstraps" mentality damages men's ability to process emotions and seek help
• Men's anxiety often manifests differently through isolation and projection rather than traditional worry
• Healthy social support systems are more powerful than therapy for maintaining mental wellness 
• Small steps like reaching out to one trusted friend can begin breaking patterns of isolation
• Being comfortable expressing feelings doesn't happen overnight—start with gratitude practices
• The key to better mental health lies in connection, not isolation

Take that first small step today. Reach out to one trusted friend, practice expressing gratitude, or try a simple mindfulness exercise. You don't need to take giant leaps—just start somewhere.

https://mindforcepodcast.buzzsprout.com

Chapters

• 0:50 Welcome to MindForce
• 4:11 Boundaries: The Power of Saying No
• 10:58 Men's Emotions: Myths and Realities
• 16:59 Setting Boundaries in Relationships
• 27:34 Men's Anxiety: Breaking the Stigma
• 35:36 Building Healthy Support Systems
• 43:02 Creating a Culture of Openness
• 45:40 Final Thoughts and Takeaways

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:23

Welcome everyone. I'm Nate Shearer, your host, and this is MindForce, the podcast. That's all about diving into love, life and learning. Here your mind matters. Today we have Solomon Richburg and today we'll be talking about boundary setting, men's anxiety and other men's mental health issues. But let's start with the basic stuff the four W's, the who, what, why and where. Solomon, who are you?

Speaker 2: 0:48

Well, nate, thank you for bringing me on. I am just a guy that's originally from Queens, new York, that moved down to the sunny state of Florida with a beautiful wife and two, about to have three kids in May, and I'm a licensed therapist that's just here to help people, help men move on, become the better them, the better men that they want to be, and I'm just here sharing my gifts to the world.

Speaker 1: 1:15

Awesome. So I think that touches on what you do and where you are in Florida. Why are you here today, specifically?

Speaker 2: 1:31

day specifically. Well, I actually saw your, your, some of your, your tiktoks on on the mind force and I really liked what I saw and I said to myself you know, let me, let me just uh share that encouragement like, hey, you got a good thing going on. Uh, keep at it. I think that's when you're like I bet you want to be on the show.

Speaker 2: 1:47

And I was taken aback there, I said, hmm, I kind of do so. You know that's when we were able to connect, but, yeah, I truly came on the show. So that one to support the show but two to send a message about mental health and for men's health and boundaries, because I think in the society that we live in, it is something that is a bit missing and I think we need to emphasize it more, especially for men.

Speaker 1: 2:14

It's so interesting how the universe is such a powerful thing. Just today at work I work in the medical section, so I work for the Surgeon General at my base and a person stopped by and they wanted to set up a like small group type of brief, educational, small group type thing for men. It was interesting. He recently was diagnosed with cancer in his colon so he had to have a chunk of his colon cut out and then piece back together and he was talking about how men have such a difficult time with colonoscopies and these different things that we need and we should probably get after, but we don't want to talk about it. And so he wanted to start with a brief and try to get people more used to it and then also be able to break and talk about it and make it more normal. And I love that because that's one of the points of the show. Here is breaking stigmas and making conversation more normal about things. Here is breaking stigmas and making conversation more normal about things, and so I'm so glad you're on the show and it's awesome that that just happened.

Speaker 1: 3:09

Kind of funny where he was talking about how all these different things are on the rise in men specifically. So a lot of negative health concerns sound like it was on the rise. He was dropping different percentages and things like that. But he wanted to share his story. I'm going to try to get that word out. So I think that's the way we really get after this, because I've really tried to think of, like, how you fix mental health and working through mental fitness. I know it's an ongoing thing, but I think the biggest thing is relatable, right, like stories and connection. That's where it all comes from. I think we often think woe is me, I'm the only one going through it, isolation and things like that. But if you know other people are going through it, I feel like that connection's built and things are a lot different. But let's jump into the warm-up and get things rolling, based on the three pillars that you have. What's one boundary you've set recently that has significantly improved your life?

Speaker 2: 4:01

That's a very good question, and the boundary that I put for my life recently is about being comfortable saying no, and being comfortable saying no for people that that's going to be a burden for me if I pursue it. Recently there was a, you know, a person of mine, a good friend of mine, that was struggling with some finances and I said to myself, wow, this is unfortunate. But one thing about boundaries is that sometimes when you've struggled with boundaries in the past, those past events become your current events and it can misconstrued someone that's seriously in need event and it could misconstrued someone that's seriously in need. So I had to be mindful of the situation that every boundary is different for every scenario. So for this person that you know that needed that support, I was able to help that person.

Speaker 2: 4:56

But keep in mind of my own limitations, because sometimes when we set a boundary for somebody, there tends to be a fear of will this person continue to do this? Well, is this going to be an ongoing habit? Am I going to be comfortable saying no? And you know, one thing that I was able to do, nate, was to set a boundary by being able to empathize and support that person. Empathize and support that person but at the same time set a limit for myself helping that person but not crossing the boundary where I'm giving more than what I can truly afford myself. So I think that is something that many people also struggle to, especially with finances. That's a big one for people.

Speaker 1: 5:42

Yeah, I think that's a really good reminder of, you know, thinking of not doing cookie cutter solutions. I think a lot of times we want everything to look the same for some reason, I guess because it's easier, maybe, and so you want that solution. Hey, I use that one time, I can use it again, and so I'm glad you pointed that out. You know, different person, different situation. You know sit, weigh, sleep on it, figure out what that right course of action is and then get after it. I think that's a good reminder. You can't, you know, always use the same boundary the same thing every time. The next question I had for you is how do you personally unwind or manage stress during a particularly challenging day?

Speaker 2: 6:22

It's a very good one. I love it because I also emphasize on self-care and for me, one thing I do in the morning I exercise. I exercise in the morning as much as I can 6 am, At 5.30 am. I wake up, 6 o'clock, that's when I start exercising. I have a little waist in my garage and that's something that I do.

Speaker 2: 6:42

But also what I do at night is something like this it's a sound ball and I would use that as a way to meditate, and I have a few of them, and I would use a sound ball as something to help me be mindful and present at night, Because sometimes I will get anxious at night, you know, ruminating on the things of the day. The sound bowl helps me be mindful and present and help me just focus, go to sleep at night. So those are the two self-care routines that I use for myself and I think it is very helpful for me and I actually encourage other people to give it a shot. If you haven't done sound bowl work, Nate, I encourage you to, because it's good stuff, man yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:26

So I gotta ask a question on that, because on the show the two reoccurring things are journaling and meditation, and so I gotta ask every person I hope it's not redundant, but I don't think it is because everyone does things a little bit differently but for someone out there that's listening, that doesn't do any meditation, how do you go from not doing it to doing it? Because I think a lot of people especially talking about men right, I don't want to sit on the ground, cross my legs, this is foo-foo, this is, you know, this is, you know, shippy stuff. Can you kind of walk us through how someone can integrate and start to ease into that from not doing it?

Speaker 2: 8:04

Yeah, I mean, meditation is about being in the present. That's what mindfulness is about. Even when I think of mind force, I think of a present force that you're here in the moment. Mindfulness and meditation does not always have to be, it doesn't have to be a salvo. It doesn't have to be you sitting on a mat doing yoga. It doesn't have to be a salvo. It doesn't have to be you sitting on a mat doing yoga. It doesn't have to be any of that.

Speaker 2: 8:26

It can be simply sitting in silence and just being attuned to yourself. It can be journaling, right. It can be that being present, writing what we call gratitude, doing a gratitude journal and being mindful and present of the things that you're grateful for that can be something that can bring you into the present and you can meditate on that. Just remind yourself of the things that you're grateful for during the day. So for anyone that's beginning, for men that's beginning with this, I would say simplest thing is just name three things that you're grateful for and resonate on that. That is the simplest way of going about it and then from there, if you want to try something more challenging, you can do a seven bowl or you can do some deep breathing techniques. But that's that's basically it.

Speaker 1: 9:15

That's that's the beginning I love that too, because I think a lot of times, and maybe even more on the men's side, I think as humans in general, but more on the men's side I think as humans in general, but more on the men's side we want the first thing. I feel like a lot of times it'd be this heavy lift, this Herculean effort, this huge project. And so I love that you bring up three things, very basic, and so anything can be that first step just putting your shoes out to run in the morning, putting your clothes out, like start with the little things. You know a sentence in that journal, and then the next time it's a paragraph and things like that. I know atomic habits. You know James Clear. He talks about that.

Speaker 1: 9:52

There's a couple of different people, but I think that's super important. Or the the Navy guy Admiral, maybe that you know, make your bed in the morning, start with an accomplishment and get things rolling. I think those are all really good things and I just a good reminder. I think people know. But just to reiterate again, like get some small wins, like don't worry about how big it is where you're at, you know just start with something small ones.

Speaker 1: 10:17

The last question I got in the warm-up. This one should be fun. What's a misconception about men's health that you wish more people understood? What's the big myth?

Speaker 2: 10:27

Mental health, that we don't have feelings, that we don't have bad days, that we can't cry, that we can't be angry, that we can't do any of these things. I think that's the big myth here. There's so many with men's health, but I would say the biggest part is that we don't need support. I would say that's probably the biggest one, and we all, as human beings, need that.

Speaker 1: 10:54

So where do you think that comes from? I mean, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and hold it in and things like that when I mean have you done any classes on history? Or where that actually comes from. Oh, we're. I mean, have you done any like classes on history?

Speaker 2: 11:05

or like where that actually comes from, how we're going there this is a warm-up, right.

Speaker 1: 11:11

Yeah, we've transitioned from the fun.

Speaker 2: 11:12

Now we're getting into it okay, well, I mean the pull yourself up by the bootstraps. That's a philosophical concept that we have on, believing that we have to just suck it up, not allow our emotions get in the way and just do it. And um, that's okay for a certain extent, for a certain time, maybe, a certain time in a situation and, yeah, I would say, maybe this is a baby boomer thing, but, but, to be honest, I think this is a thing that every generation did struggle. We've had multiple um tragedies that have occurred. Um, I mean me being a millennial. I mean I grew up, uh, born in the late 80s, grew up in the 90s. I lived in New York in 2001. The minute I say that, I'm sure that rang the bell in your mind what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1: 12:12

Where you were exact moment when you found out.

Speaker 2: 12:16

When I found out, absolutely Even then, there was a concept of we gotta just keep it moving, we got to do something. We got to, you know, not resonate and just do something about it. And it's a tough one, nate, because pulling ourselves by the bootstraps. I think it really goes back to the philosophy, especially in Western culture, that, you know, let's not focus on our emotions, let's just do the job, and I think it has its place. But I think what happens with that? When we take that energy and focus on just doing the job, well, guess what? The dust settles and you still have to process that and that energy is there. And what happens to many people with that? They don't know what to do with that energy and it's displaced in not so great places.

Speaker 2: 13:12

And this is where trauma comes from. This is how trauma really comes into the people. Trauma is actually indeed that dispersive energy that comes from the event that gravitates to a person. That person is not able to process that energy that comes from the event, like a car accident. That energy, that impact that happens, that we get from that. That's what resonates with people. That's why some people can cope with it and other people can't, and this is why we as a society cannot just accept that one person could just pull up by the bootstraps because that person could do it and the other person can't do it. That other person is not right or wrong for that, but we live in a society where we have to, everyone has to be the same, and that's not true. Nobody's the same. We, we all come from different experiences. We all come from different parts of the world, different timelines, and we, we need to respect each other more on that.

Speaker 1: 14:20

So yeah, yeah. So it's a good reminder too. I know I lost my dad a few years ago and, you know, going through the stages of grief and things like that, it's just so interesting between you know, my little brother, my little sister, my mom, me All those were, you know, completely different. You know we were all at different stages of life, different things going on, and so I think a lot of times, going back to the cookie cutter, a lot of people want it to look the same, like, oh well, that worked for him, it should work for her and should work for you. Like, everyone processes and does all those things differently.

Speaker 1: 14:51

But I do find it interesting on the here and now, though, because I feel like currently, we want our answers instantly because we want to Google whatever it is. We want our food instantly because we're going to go through the drive-thru things faster, and you know yesterday and all those things. So it kind of makes sense with where we're at is like you just deal with the here and now because it's in front of you and just don't worry about the rest, even though you're going to burn out, you're going to have problems later, but the way that we seem to process things currently is just what's in front of you, so it almost seems like like it lines up just do, do, do and then deal with the fallout later, which in no way saying is right, but it does seem to make sense with how we are. Want things here and now, that's awesome. Well, that rounds up the warmup. I want to see if you have a question for me before we go into your three pillars.

Speaker 2: 15:41

Yeah, I mean, I do want to ask you as far as your feelings on just boundaries has there been a situation where you've had a boundary? That's been something that you thought of as a challenge for yourself, that you had to overcome?

Speaker 1: 16:06

not great. So I don't know, back to my childhood I probably need to, you know, go through counseling and kind of process some of that. I grew up with just my mom for a lot of it. So it was a lot of me and her against the world. And so I think at this point, you know I do a lot of people pleasing and agreeing and yesing and I need to do a much better job of the no, like you had mentioned, like being okay and comfortable with that.

Speaker 1: 16:22

But I always want to be successful and do well and, you know, do good things and so if I say yes every time, people will be happy and like me and things like that. So I definitely struggle with that. I wish I did a better job of that. Maybe we'll have to have a sidebar and also figure out how to process a little bit better, but I would love to, you know, set better boundaries and things like that.

Speaker 1: 16:44

There's only so much you can do, there's only so much time in the day. I'd like to think I'm getting a little bit better as I grow in rank, you know, I think it feels a little bit more comfortable because you feel like you have the title or whatever to back it up and probably should have done it, you know, a while ago and it probably didn't need to rely on that. But it does feel a little bit more comfortable when you know the more you do it and the more experience. So I think that's one of those things like practice makes perfect, unless you just have the gift and it just makes sense from the beginning. But I think you would have to exercise right and, you know, put some practice in.

Speaker 2: 17:16

Absolutely you do. It takes time, it takes practice. Do you have tips on how to ease into that instead of just jumping in and boundering everything? What type of person I am? Do I have porous boundaries, unless somebody that is quick to say yes to everything. Maybe you're someone that's rigid, that's actually really quick to say no. Or maybe you do have healthy boundaries that you don't know about, and that's another thing is that people think that they have terrible boundaries, but they actually have healthy boundaries, but it all depends on the person, the situation, mind you, when it comes to boundaries but they actually have healthy boundaries, but it all depends on the person and the situation. Mind you, when it comes to boundaries, it's a thin line when it comes to boundaries and assertions, because when you're having healthy boundaries, you tend to be assertive, not aggressive, not passive-aggressive, but assertive. It's a huge concept and that itself is a huge breakdown, and one I happen to share.

Speaker 1: 18:27

Okay, yeah, that's perfect. So your first of the three pillars is boundary setting, so this is a perfect segue. My favorite thing on the show is stories. I think we were, you know, hardwired to convey information through stories. You know it's back to the caveman days and things like that. So can you share a story of a time when setting a boundary transformed a relationship or situation in your life?

Speaker 2: 18:48

Yeah, I mean this goes back to what I was talking about earlier, about my friend with the finances. And you know we and we're good friends, you know, still to this day and and really if I was aggressive on the situation it could have damaged it, it could have damaged that relationship. Or if I was passive-aggressive and just gave more than what I wanted to do, it would have hurt it, not immediately, but in the long run it would have. And then that's the difference between all these type of boundaries that when you have porous boundaries or if you have very rigid, harsh boundaries, it could do damage in its own way. It's just one is longer than the other.

Speaker 2: 19:36

Going back to that, I mean you know I've learned that in that situation that I have to be comfortable given of a negotiator than what you think. Sometimes you have to just ask yourself okay, I might not be able to give you this amount of money, but how about I give you this and then maybe find someone else that can give the rest and also set expectations as well. There was a guy I think the Shark Tank guy. They call him Mr Wonderful.

Speaker 1: 20:19

Yeah, yeah, that guy.

Speaker 2: 20:19

What? What is his name? I forget his name. He's the. I think he's canadian, but he he's. Yeah, they call him mr wonderful, but this guy is is a uh, kevin o'leary kevin o'leary.

Speaker 2: 20:32

There we go, that guy, and I remember watching an interview on him and he was talking, talking about how he has family members that ask him for money all the time I mean rightfully. So I know, if I was a relative of him I would probably ask for a few here and there. Right, and you know, what he would do is that he would set this boundary. Which I thought was awesome is that he would set this boundary, which I thought was awesome. He would tell the person because he has the money, he wants to get it, but he don't want to be this returning bank loan that people come and there will be easy acceptance. He would say, okay, I'm not going to loan you the money, I'm going to gift you the money. I'm only going to gift it to you one time and that's it. I don't need the money back, I don't need anything, I'm just going to gift it to you, but that's the only time you're going to ask me for money, and that's it.

Speaker 1: 21:28

Do something good with it.

Speaker 2: 21:29

Yeah, right. So it's almost like you're a genie, right, you're giving this one wish, but after that one wish, that's it. And I thought I thought that was pretty cool because he, he was setting a boundary where you know what I'm gonna help you out, like, I'm gonna help you out in your situation, I'm not gonna just say no and it's okay to say no too, by the way. But he, he didn't want to do that. He said that you know what, I'm just going to help you in this situation, but don't expect me to give you more money again. And I think when you put it out in that sense, I think people would understand and you're setting that boundary, and I think it's very respectable.

Speaker 2: 22:11

So I used that as an example. As you know, my friend that needed that, that was in that situation and I said you know what I'll help you out, you know in this case, because you know I can't give this amount of money, but I can give you this. I'm comfortable with this and I'm not expecting anything back. I don't want it back. I'm going to give it as a gift, as a friend, and I felt comfortable with that. I felt really comfortable with it because I'm helping someone that's in need because, hey, we've all been there, I'm sure at least once we've had those types of circumstances, if not financially, probably other things and it's good to give someone a hand when we can. So I think that was a pretty significant example, at least currently in my life, and something that's really significant in me. You know currently that, I feel, was a true example of boundary setting.

Speaker 1: 23:07

I think that's a perfect example too, because you had mentioned you don't want to be the person that always says no, you don't want to be the person that always says yes, and then you need the boundary and expectations, so that kind of fits all those. You say yes, you're the generous person, the person who can't complain because you came through, but you have the expectation, the boundary, that that's the one and only, and so you've kind of you know, checked all those things. I think it's a great example. So earlier you had mentioned it might work for the short term, but over time it's going to erode that trust and things like that. So why do you think boundary setting is so critical for personal and professional growth?

Speaker 2: 23:42

Simply because, as humans, we are going to go through trials and tribulations, and situations will come and arise. We are just. It's so easy for us to go to people that we're comfortable with versus people that we're not. And that's why it's important to be comfortable saying no when you can, but also being comfortable creating solutions for people. And that's why I say that saying no is okay, but if you can help the solution somehow, maybe that'll be even better. That can be something that can leave a true impact in your relationship with people, Because sometimes no, I was going to say some go ahead, go ahead.

Speaker 1: 24:29

No, you can go.

Speaker 2: 24:30

No, I was going to say sometimes the situation is deeper than what it shows on the surface, that's all.

Speaker 1: 24:37

Yeah, that's definitely true and I think it helps build up some of that trust too. So I think a lot of times we think no automatically would shut things down. But if you think about it from the other side, if you're the person that agrees to everything but you only come through on half the things, that all of a sudden it's like I don't even know if they're really gonna come through. They just kind of agree to everything. So if you have the yes and no, you have that mixture of the things that you can actually do. Then when your yes comes through, you know, you know it can bank on that yes, which I guess goes back to like the boy cried wolf and things like that. So I think it's good. You know, in a certain case I don't do a great job, but I can definitely see like where that would be beneficial. And the last question we have in this pillar is what advice do you have for men who do struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries? So so me Okay, yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:25

Well, it starts with being comfortable, saying you know, the first thing you can do is you can, even if there is a situation that you have in mind, that you struggle with, you can role play. You can go with yourself in the mirror or you can have a trusted friend that you're comfortable with. But it takes practice to say no or to create a solution to address the situation. It's not something that you learn over that. You just learn that quickly. It's the same thing for people who have a phobia, let's say, if you have a phobia with spiders, arachnophobia. As a therapist, one thing we do is something called exposure therapy, and with exposure therapy, it's something where we, if you have this fear of spiders, we're not going to just give you a big tarantula and say, here, why don't you pet this tarantula? That's what we call flooding, and flooding is uh, it's a concept where you wouldn't do that and you have probably like a 50 50 shot of it working or making things a lot, a lot worse. So we don't like numbers like that. We like something a little more effective, something with spiders, with arachnophobia. We'll start with the I did the word spider, then we'll start with the maybe like a little picture of it, maybe like a cartoon picture, then we'll start with the real thing, like a real image of it. And then you know, maybe we, you know, go to a, a zoo that has spiders, and we kind of work our way up. We're getting more and more of that exposure.

Speaker 2: 27:04

Same thing with boundaries. It's you start off with um, you know that small boundary that you struggle with here. Let's say it's a situation with a friend that always borrows money, or maybe it's a partner that you have, your girlfriend, that still stay up longer than you can because you have to get up, and you know it starts with saying that, hey, you know what I have things to do in the morning. You know I'm more than happy to do, maybe have a little more time over the weekend because I have more time to do it, but crying down I can't. I mean, what do you think? Maybe there's some other things we can do during this time. Maybe there's some things we can do in the morning Create solutions.

Speaker 2: 27:51

A good boundary center is someone that creates solutions to the situation, and I think that's a huge hurdle that people have when they struggle with boundaries is that they don't know how to solve the problem. So they solve the problem by saying like, sure, yeah, let's just do it, I'll stay up longer, even though I have to get up in the morning and be tired, maybe be late for work and get some points off, depending on where I work at. I'm going to displace that anger back to you because I'm not getting what I want, which is more sleep, and that's what we do is called projection. So you know, anger in men and boundary-centered in men kind of ties hand in hand, because people who struggle, saying no, or create these solutions, they tend to have these worse outcomes and then we tend to react in a negative way.

Speaker 1: 28:43

Yeah, that makes sense. One of my favorite books is Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. Have you ever read it?

Speaker 2: 28:50

No, I haven't, but I've heard of it.

Speaker 1: 28:53

We read it and we can reconvene, because I have so many quotes from that book. I love that book, but I wanted to ask I'm in a leadership position at work. So if anyone's a manager or a leader at work, kind of in this role of boundary setting, how do you have the best feedback with a member that maybe isn't pulling enough weight or you know doing some things that are not they shouldn't be doing, or things like that? How do you set the room? How do you have that best conversations? I feel like it usually leads to a lot of shutting down and defensiveness and things like that. It feels like kind of in the same realm of you know creating solutions and boundaries. But could you walk us through like a difficult feedback?

Speaker 2: 29:34

Yeah, yeah, I mean, that's a good question. I mean, you know, one of the oldest forms of conflict resolution is probably the sandwich method, which is, uh, you start off with something positive and then you land with the negative and then you come back with positive. But let's start, let's stick with that second part, that that negative. There that's when things get pretty crazy, right, because people will start off with you know, you're doing great, you're, I like that, you have this red tie, that you come in but all your paperwork is horrible, it's trash and uh, but you leave a good note saying that and you got some nice black shoes, you and you just leave the room just feeling helpless, right, and icky a bit. So that mental right.

Speaker 2: 30:22

We want to use something called I statements and we want to express how we feel about the situation. We're not trying to blame the person, we're just trying to use the data that we've seen. We're not trying to make the person look like they're inferior in any way, we're just stating the data right. That's the time where you feel X, y and Z and then you express that data that you have. You know, the hard part when it comes to this set of boundaries, especially in the workplace is that we don't want to step on people's toes. We don't want to make people feel bad.

Speaker 2: 30:57

Right, even if you were, even if you are in the service, if you're in the military, I mean, you're still human at the end of the day you still don't want to make someone feel like crap because of what they experience. Even if the culture is designed that way, to be cold and callous, I believe a lot of people feel that they have to still be mindful of those feelings. So I would say that a great way is you know, you start with positive, you use those life statements, express how you feel about the situation, get straight to the point, create solutions, ask like how can we help, what can we do to make this work? You're there almost like a coach at this point. The great coaches are great solution solvers. They're problem solvers, they want to figure out how to make improvement on the situation. And then leave on another positive note and I think that would be a great starting point on this and and nothing go too much in detail into like industrial psychology, but more of those follow-ups can help as well makes sense.

Speaker 1: 32:06

Yeah, it's uh difficult. You know, being the being the boss is never fun, is it? Um, so your next pillar is men's anxiety, so I think this will be interesting how does anxiety manifest differently in men, and why is it important to address those differences?

Speaker 2: 32:24

Well, simply, men's anxiety has been something that's been overlooked in our society.

Speaker 2: 32:31

Men's mental health has been overlooked and a lot of men struggle with anxiety hands down been overlooked, and a lot of men struggle with anxiety hands down.

Speaker 2: 32:40

I think one of the most important parts, nate, is that being aware they exist and, by the way, anxiety is an emotion. We all have it. We all have times where we feel anxious, and I'm not here to stigmatize the word anxiety, but what I am here to do is help people understand that it exists and we shouldn't just overlook it, right? So men's anxiety truly comes from people men not willing to express their feelings, not willing to say that, hey, I'm not okay, and not willing to share those feelings to people they care about having that social support Because, as you know, a lot of us men, we tend to isolate each other. We try to isolate ourselves amongst the people. That could be a support and that's going to be the number one thing. And the next, actually currently now, is that men's mental health is going to continue to be on this decline if we don't create an intervention and awareness that, hey, men need support as well too.

Speaker 1: 33:46

Yeah, it's so interesting to me because for the longest time we talked about like pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and you know, I think the model you know for the longest time was the traditional model, the woman staying at home and say, oh, mom, and then you know the breadwinner, and so you're supposed to bring the money and take care of everything and protect the house and all these things. And so this thought process for so long is you know if you're crying, or you know actually feeling your emotions like a regular human should? You know it was weaker, lesser and things like that, and just so deep rooted. It's so difficult. But I wanted to ask you another time if you could share another story, because I love stories. So do you have a moment from your own journey, or you know one of the clients or something, without obviously giving information, where that anxiety took a turning point for change or self-discovery and got them? You know the help they needed.

Speaker 2: 34:40

That's a good question. Oh, there's a few that I could think of. I can take it into my own life and I can talk about a situation where I was ready to just be done with therapy as a whole, just done with the field, ready to just be done with therapy as a whole, just done with the field, and my anxiety was just so overwhelming because, you know, to become a therapist you have to pass these boards, these certification exams, and I struggled, I failed it twice and I said to myself you know, this is it, I'm done. Actually, there was a point in time that I actually got into programming which was a blessing in disguise, believe it or not learning Python and teaching my son that. So it actually turned out to be a very fortunate thing. But I've learned that I had to dig deep within myself and truly believe that it's okay to not be okay that you know those struggles of that test anxiety that I felt was really the issue, not me not knowing it, because after I learned that it was that test anxiety that really threw me off, that's when I was able to really crack down, practicing mindfulness and meditation and pretty much learned to be attuned to my body and I was able to pass it and you know helping people ever since.

Speaker 2: 36:01

But it also dig even deeper, darker issue in the field that I'm in a field where people have to show that they're better than the other people. It happens a lot in this field Medical, you know, health, health, mental health are the biggest. We're notorious for this. Doctors, therapists we want to one-up the other person just to show that I'm smarter than you. Look at my credentials, look at what I have, rather than just being okay for who you are and being comfortable just saying, hey, I'm not perfect, I'm not this, I'm not that, being comfortable just saying that, hey, I'm not perfect, I'm not this, I'm not that. And and you know, once I learned that you know this culture of this, you know, in mental health, where even the therapists are having identity issues and having issues with feeling like they're not good enough.

Speaker 2: 36:55

That made me realize that, okay, we need to change the whole dynamic here. We need to change the whole game here. We need to learn that. You know what. We need to stop one-upping each other and really being okay with someone's perspective on things versus the other person's perspective. I've seen that a lot in my field. Actually. I've seen that with other therapists, just one up in the other, and I'm sure it happens in many other fields and I'm sure you've seen it yourself. But that culture needs to stop and I think that's what brings a lot of anxiety, especially in men, because we have to be the alpha male, we have to be the best, we have to lower our voice when we can, we have to show that we're a man's man. But what is truly a man's man? What does that even mean?

Speaker 1: 37:48

Yeah, I think we struggle even more in the military because we have, you know, what we call stratification, which is who's number one, who's number two, who's number three in the unit, and so we get down to, even to the level of numbers, and so, you know, everyone knows who's number one, cause they, you know, do the thing.

Speaker 1: 38:05

It's supposed to be somewhat secret and whatnot, but I mean, by the end of the day, everyone knows where they are, and so it's just rough where we, you know, I think we're trying to do stuff to promote competitiveness, which is good to a certain extent, but you know, squashing people like that is pretty tough, because only so many people get the number and everyone below that is lesser than, and so it's difficult when those promotion things come around. One thing I wanted to ask you I hate going to briefings and things where they talk about hypotheticals and things like that. So I always like to ask what are actionable tips and tricks that you found most effective in managing men's mental health? What's something someone could do today, this week, this month? What does that look like?

Speaker 2: 38:49

I mean being able to be comfortable expressing your feelings. And that is the number one issue with men's mental health is that we're not comfortable utilizing social support. Women, they do an amazing job with that, by the way. They are amazing. They'll get into a support group in a minute. They are quick to utilize their friends, utilize the people around them very quick. With that, I mean, they even go to the bathroom together.

Speaker 1: 39:21

Right, they're always together.

Speaker 2: 39:23

Always together, right, but with us it's a totally different dynamic. It's well, I'm good, I'm good, but you're not good. I'm okay, I'm fine, fine, fine, I'm not, but you're not fine, you're not okay, I'm fine, fine, fine, I'm not, but you're not fine, you're not okay. And I think we learn this dynamic where we're not willing to say that I'm not okay, I just need support. I don't need money, I don't need this, I don't need that, I just want to be heard. And I think that's the other part, which is why I say this all the time that healthy social support trumps mental health. It's Trump therapy all the time, all day, every day.

Speaker 2: 40:00

When you have a healthy support system, nine out of 10 times you don't need a therapist, because that healthy support system will bring you to that next step in your life. They will bring you to the things that you're trying to cope with. A healthy support system will bring you to the next stages, the next stage in your life. So, if you're someone that, as a man, is trying to do better with their mental health, start with a healthy support system. Look at your friends that you feel comfortable with and just have that conversation. Just express how you're feeling and that, hey, I just need support. I'm not here just to be a therapist. I just want you to know that you're there for me, brother, that's all we look for.

Speaker 1: 40:49

I think that's a really good reminder too, because I know in the military we struggle with mental health and we don't have enough providers. There's not even enough providers in the United States or just at the world at large, and so we kind of come back to this Well, there's not enough appointments, there's not whatever. But I think that's a really good reminder. That lowest level possible. You know, if you have the support, you have your friend.

Speaker 1: 41:10

I know my first base when I took, like, my new position when I went from enlisted to becoming an officer. My first year was awful. I hated my first year. I thought I knew what I was into but I didn't really know. So me and a guy we started the same day and we drive.

Speaker 1: 41:26

There happened to be a Starbucks on base which was super nice, but we used to go over there and just vent all this stuff out on the way to Starbucks. And it was always funny because it was like hey, do you want to go get some coffee? And in no way does this have anything to do with the coffee we got, the tea we got. You know, whatever it may be, but it's the ability to bounce ideas, vent, get that all out in the car and then you pop out of the car and then get back into work. But you were able to process and it was so nice because you know we'd sit and kind of talk to each other and I loved how we always went down two roads and I don't know how we came up with it, I guess we just kind of stumbled across it, but it was do you want me to find solutions or do you want to vent?

Speaker 1: 42:05

Those were two different ones. We start thinking of ideas for each other, or I'm just going to listen and let this word vomit, and then we're going to get out of the car. You know those are two completely different ways. We're going to get out of the car you know those are two completely different ways. But going and grabbing something in the afternoon from Starbucks, maybe it costs too much money, but I mean I'll pay for it for the mental health aspect, but yeah, that's really good stuff. The last pillar you have is men's issues in mental health, and so I think this is a perfect segue. We have that stigma out there. We struggle to get there. So how can we go about creating this supportive environment where men feel comfortable discussing these struggles?

Speaker 2: 42:41

That's good.

Speaker 2: 42:42

That's a good question. Well, it starts with the culture. I mean, we live in this culture where we're not okay to express our feelings and we need to learn to do that. So how do we do that? Well, for example, let's look at events. Let's actually get out. Let's actually go out and look at things within our community that we can do, that we can connect with. I mean, there's a bunch of support groups out there, believe it or not, that you can put yourself into. I mean the second thing, believe it or not, I would say social media into. I mean the second thing, believe it or not, I would say social media. Social media is a great tool for support systems. I know I've created a support system on mindfulness and I do it on X now. It's a great way for people to come together to utilize support.

Speaker 2: 43:35

So, for just men's mental health, it starts with finding a calming ground that you're interested in, that you like to do, and you build those relationships. You have to build the relationships. You have to start from somewhere. If you already have friends, if you already have that, but you're a type of man that's like I just don't feel comfortable with it. Now's the right time to give that freaking cold shuma text. Hey, let's grab a cup of coffee, let's just connect, let's just hang out for a little bit and, as you get comfortable, maybe then you can kind of dig deeper how you're feeling.

Speaker 2: 44:15

I do that with a few of my friends. A lot of my good friends are from. They live in New York and I live down here in Florida. You know, we will talk on the phone, we will even do like a video call and just talk about life and then we kind of dig into deeper stuff. That's what we need to do as men is like we need to start from somewhere. Don't feel hesitant to reach out to the people that you have. You don't have to start off with the deep, dark things that you're feeling. You can work your way up. You know, work your way up, work up to your comfortability. If you still feel uncomfortable, you can write these things down and then you know you can express it like that as well, but you have to do it within your comfortability is the most important part.

Speaker 1: 45:04

Yeah, that makes sense. That's the second time now. We talked about small steps. So start with something, ease your way into it, get after it, but start with something. Well, let's try to bring it all together. So, solomon, if you could leave men with one powerful takeaway from this conversation today, what would it be?

Speaker 2: 45:20

The most important part and I know we've spoke about. We spoke about boundaries, we spoke about anxiety, we spoke about mental health. I think all of this goes back to utilizing healthy support systems. I think this rounds up to that, even with boundary setting. I mean, you know, if you struggle with boundaries, I mean it's good to reach out to a friend and express these struggles that you have and being comfortable expressing these feelings.

Speaker 2: 45:48

It goes back to being comfortable taking that step. But don't feel like you have to take this huge, gargantuan step. It's baby steps, you know, like that old saying just take little baby steps. That's what it's about. You don't have to take leaps and bounds, you just take that first step. And for men, I'm telling you, the first step is reaching out to a friend that you trust, that you feel comfortable with and, mind you, it could be a family member or a friend that you trust, not anybody that you call a friend, that you call a family member, that you don't feel comfortable with, the people that you feel comfortable expressing these feelings with. Start with that and then you work your way up and then also being comfortable writing down things that you're grateful for or just saying in your head one to one or one to three things that you're grateful for. So support mindfulness and being grateful.

Speaker 1: 46:48

That all makes sense. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time? Well, Solomon, thank you for coming on the show. Please join the conversation. Connect with us on one of the many social media pages to share your questions, insight or feedback. We're building a community and your voice matters. I love you all. See ya, Thank you.