Beyond the Battlefield: Finding Purpose After Service w/ Deny Caballero

Deny Caballero shares his powerful journey from childhood trauma through military service to becoming a mental health advocate and podcast producer. Through vulnerable conversation, he explores how veterans can embrace mental fitness, authentic masculinity, and purposeful transitions to civilian life.

• Mental health is a journey, not a destination that requires ongoing maintenance like physical fitness
• Setting intentional morning routines creates space for mental wellness before the day's demands
• Establishing firm boundaries around family time, especially weekends, is non-negotiable for balance
• Being present as a father matters more than financial provision alone
• True masculinity involves protection, emotional intelligence, and moral courage
• Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness, especially among warriors
• Veterans should resist the "disgruntled veteran" identity and focus on positive growth
• Finding purpose after service means discovering authentic passions, not just secure employment
• Transitioning veterans should "go into the unknown" with the same courage they showed in uniform
• Your worst day is your worst day—no need to compare trauma with others

Connect with Deny on LinkedIn, Instagram, or at his podcast, Security Halt Podcast. Veterans in need can reach him at SecurityHaltPodcast@gmail.com.

https://mindforcepodcast.buzzsprout.com

Chapters

• 0:50 Episode Introduction & Background
• 7:15 Mental Health Journey
• 17:21 Practical Mental Fitness Habits
• 22:42 Fatherhood Changes Everything
• 28:56 Redefining True Masculinity
• 35:05 Positivity in Veteran Space
• 44:32 Finding Purpose After Service
• 52:25 Key Takeaways & Where to Connect

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:23

Hi everyone, I'm Nate Shearer and this is Mindforce, a podcast that helps all of us navigate love, life and learning. One serious conversation at a time. Now let's get started. Today, we'll be talking about the importance of being a father, what it means to be a man, the positivity in the veteran space and the purpose mission and forging a new identity after service. Denny, I wanted to start by thanking you for taking your time. One for coming on the show and then two. You know what you do with helping veterans and all of us. You know so special thank you to you. But I wanted to get into the background, so we'll start with a quick introduction. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Who are you? What do you do?

Speaker 2: 1:05

And what brings you here today. Awesome Thanks, nate. I'm Danny Caballero. I'm a mental health advocate's first and foremost podcast producer podcaster. I just like to think of myself as somebody that's been through the absolute worst, luckily was able to rebuild and now wants to reach into the void and help others come back out.

Speaker 1: 1:23

Perfect, that's awesome. And just to set the scene, where are you calling from today?

Speaker 2: 1:28

I am here in lovely Prattville, alabama, for the time being. My wife's still active duty and she's here for ACSC, so that's where we are for the time being, okay, At school I see Competitively selected.

Speaker 1: 1:43

How is she enjoying it?

Speaker 2: 1:45

You know it's. She's an amazing woman, but she's a remarkable officer. I am really punching out of my league with my wife. I am way out of my league. She's the full package Brains, beauty and just the best. One of the best officers that I've ever been able to like. And I'm yeah, I'm a little biased because it's my wife, but it's when I was still in and I was still working with other officers. There might have been a few times I would have told a few detachment commanders that I have a better officer at home and I would greatly appreciate if you could just shape up and be half as good as my wife is.

Speaker 1: 2:27

That's awesome. What does she do in the Air Force?

Speaker 2: 2:31

So she is a part of the operations intelligence side of the house, so she's one of those people that will get on you about OPSEC, but she is remarkable in her field and she had to fight for it. That's one of the things that I love about her story and I will dive into it. She is currently still active duty, but I think someday, hopefully, she'll be able to get her ability to go around some podcasts and share what she's done. Honestly, it's it's remarkable the way she's been able to handle everything in her career.

Speaker 1: 3:02

Yeah, I often think about that. I'm like I think I'll start another one after I get out and have a little bit more liberty, a little bit more flexibility to maybe say all the things. Is she a 14 Fox? Nice, that's awesome, Okay. Well, we'll transition into the warmup. One fun question for you, Denny what's something about you that surprises people when they first meet you?

Speaker 2: 3:26

No, honestly, because I don't have an accent. A lot of people and I've had this, I get this a lot you don't seem Hispanic, panamanian born and raised. I proudly always let people know I'm a first generation American. I think it's a remarkable thing. I used to not think that was remarkable. But then to be here in the United States to be an American citizen by choice. I look back at everything that brought me to this point in my life and I say like well, like holy, like most people in my background they don't get to where, where I'm at, and I'm very proud and very happy to, um, you know, be an American. But yeah, my roots and my humble beginnings were in Panama, central America.

Speaker 1: 4:03

That's awesome. Yeah, diversity is super powerful. It brings lots of different things to the equation and allows us to solve problems. You know, with a vast array of experience. Before we get started on your main pillars, I wanted to see if you had a question for me.

Speaker 2: 4:17

You know, Nate, I do have a question for you what's your why?

Speaker 1: 4:23

What's my why? I feel like I'm a walking cliche and I hate that at certain times, but when it's something that I truly feel and it's something that's deep inside of me, like I have to say it anyway, if it's cheesy or not, but I mean, it really is the people. I've experienced things throughout my time. I have a story I don't know if I've shared it on the podcast yet Maybe I have but my dad passed away, got diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I had to fly all the way around the world from Guam. I had to race there to get there before he passed and I was luckily able to get there with the Red Cross notification and things like that.

Speaker 1: 4:57

But my co-workers and things like that took care of my house and did just a remarkable job and I think you know if I worked at Amazon or Google, like, would they have house set? Yeah, sure, but I came home and my floors were swept and mopped. They put my dishes away. There was a drawing of my dogs and the adventures they had while I was gone. I think at some point I ran out of dog food so someone had to go and, like, pick up dog food and, you know, came out of their own pocket to take care of that and things like that.

Speaker 1: 5:24

And it's just that level of us taking care of each other that's just always resonated with me, where you don't have to be best friends, you don't have to be drinking buddies, you don't have to have the same hobbies, but if I say, hey, can you pick my dog up, can you pick my daughter up? I'm running late, or you know, something's going on, somebody will be there. Don't have to be on the same wavelength and, like I said, you know best buds, but we'll be there for each other. And that's just something I don't think. You know. I've had quite a few civilian jobs before I came in, because I came in at 21. So I worked at Les Schwab, slinging tires, selling cars for Honda, done swim lessons and webmaster for the school and all sorts of different stuff, and I never felt the connection and community that I did. You know, being active duty and being in. So that's what I would say. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2: 6:08

Absolutely yeah.

Speaker 1: 6:11

Yeah, so we'll roll into your main pillars. Usually it's three, but you submitted a whole bunch of goodness, so we'll try to gram all this in, because it's just too good to pass on any of these. The first one's mental health. You know the show's mental fitness. That's the whole thing, like getting after it. I just went with the mental fitness route because I love the ability or the thought of it's ongoing and always occurring. I think mental health unfortunately has that negative connotation it's a building. You go on the worst day of your life and you only go on the worst day. No, that's not how it works. We're going to continue to work on this. Well, first question how has your relationship with mental health evolved? Like, where was it at? Maybe younger? You never really talked about it, or however it was brought up and like now.

Speaker 2: 6:56

How has that evolved? Well, Nate, I got to tell you, just like a vast majority of American males, I didn't have any blueprint or a diagram to understand what mental health was. To add to that, I came from a very abusive background. As a child, I suffered greatly at the hands of the two people that should care about you the most your parental figures. So I didn't have anybody to tell me that things I was experiencing were wrong, that someday I'd have to talk about it, that I would need to be able to explain to a professional what I endured. So I didn't have any of that. So, like a vast majority of us males, I was at a deficit. It wasn't until I went through my own journey, my true downward spiral, and was able to get help, that I was finally able to lay everything out.

Speaker 2: 7:36

We tend to think of mental health issues right now in the veteran space as PTSD, anxiety or depression, and we gain. Well, yes, what we experience in combat is absolutely important for us to talk about. Warriors need to be comfortable talking to other warriors and mental health professionals, but you still have to understand what happened to you as a child. You still have to go through and go through all the layers, because those things impact us greatly. I didn't know anything about the ACE survey. I didn't know anything about childhood diversity scale. I didn't know anything about the things that we go through in life have a huge impact and forever impact us and where some people can fall to the wayside individuals such as myself.

Speaker 2: 8:24

We end up going through this post-traumatic growth. You know, I endured nightmare scenarios as a kid, but something in me was different. I didn't fall to the wayside. I didn't become a drug addict, I didn't become an alcoholic. I didn't go to prison. I sought out the challenge of going into the military and when I got into the military, I continued to seek out opportunities to prove my worth and come to find out.

Speaker 2: 8:49

This is something that our military psychs look for. It's a metric. That's why almost every operator, every special forces ranger, seer or green beret that I've talked to in my own show, when we start getting down and laying out our cards, there's so many incredible similarities, these adverse backgrounds, these post-traumatic growths, and it's not about looking back to our past and saying woe is me, but being able to face it and say wow, I endured something painful, I suffered greatly, but let's look at what I need to heal and recover from. Let's triage this, let's talk this out and what I realized going through this whole experience of my own healing.

Speaker 2: 9:30

My own journey gave me a blueprint on how to help others go through that process of bridging the gap to getting closer to a mental health professional that can help them. I'm a certified peer-to-peer support facilitator, mindfulness practitioner and mindfulness coach, but I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I'm a good friend. I'm a warrior. I can take a knee with you and share my story and hopefully, through my vulnerability and my story and my testimony, I can get you to go on the other side of that bridge and talk to somebody that can get you the care you deserve.

Speaker 1: 10:07

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm curious, like you know, men to men, and you know, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. We're always supposed to be strong and show no weakness. What message do you wish more men, specifically veterans, a-type personalities, understood, about mental health?

Speaker 2: 10:24

The main thing I want to convey to people, especially those within the warrior tribe, is that it is normal and in fact, it's going to happen to you. You don't go to war for 20 plus years with a broken persona and then just magically recover on your own. These things won't go away. The problems you're facing right now, the problems that continue to plague your relationships, your friendships, the way you go through life, almost repeating the same cycles, they're not going to go away unless you talk to somebody, and we have to get away from this idea as viewing asking for help as a weakness versus a strength, and vulnerability is a tool. I'm not asking you to fall apart in the bus and cry and sob in front of complete strangers. What I am asking you is to take a knee, seek out the people in your life that love you, care about you, be vulnerable and, when it comes time to cry, understand that it's a normal human reaction. It's a vital aspect of the connexus as human beings, just like we feel fear and just like we feel joy. Sorrow is something that we all experience, and if we continue to tell ourselves that, because we're men, we can experience this part of our lives, we're doomed to continue further promoting these ideas to the next generation. We feel something, we talk about it, we heal and recover and we move through it. Men should feel completely fine being in a space with other individuals that they value, that they trust, and being able to show emotion. You lose a friend in combat. Do I call you any names for crying? We're in a funeral, laying down, like putting one of our brothers to rest, and you cry. Do I call you weak? Do I call you a pussy or any of those derogatory terms? No, because in that moment you are connecting and you cry. Do I call you weak? Do I call you a pussy or any of those derogatory terms? No, because in that moment you are connecting and you're feeling a genuine emotion for somebody that deeply impacted your life, and we should all understand that emotions are a part of life. Being emotionally intelligent is one of the greatest things you could do to further promote yourself as actually being a good masculine man, understanding emotions.

Speaker 2: 12:26

You hold your kid for the first time and you have this feeling of joy. You're not supposed to cry. You're not supposed to be in that mode of awe. Get out of here. You're a human being. You're supposed to feel emotions and if we just champion that idea that it's okay to be able to tap into that side of you, we can understand that. It's that whole warrior mentality. We're more than just somebody who can go kick in a door and we're better for having that emotion, because when you're in that firefight or you're in that hostile environment and you get rid of everybody, that's a potential threat. You're not going to go into that next room where there's a family or kids and have that same animosity and take it out on them, are you? Of course not. You're an intelligent warrior. Be the intelligent, the emotionally intelligent in the being that you're meant to be, instead of denying that you have emotions or you can be emotionally intelligent what advice do you have for people?

Speaker 1: 13:24

I feel like I talk to a lot of people and they're like I don't have any trauma. You know, I have never been in a car accident, I wasn't abused, I haven't lost anybody and I feel a lot of people are like I don't have anything, I'm good. What do you have to like the I'm good crowd?

Speaker 2: 13:39

I used to say the same thing, used to minimize everything I'd gone through. When I looked at other individuals guys that lost legs, guys got up, guys that were burnt horrifically Well, my trauma isn't that bad, so I'm fine. Here I am carrying a lifetime worth of insane, insane trauma and minimizing it because I still have my limbs, I still have my eyesight, whereas when you finally understand that your trauma is your trauma, your worst day is your worst day. I don't know what Nate went through. I don't know what Nate's gone through and lived in his life.

Speaker 2: 14:12

You shared a little bit of your own experience losing a parent and having to fly across the world just to get there in time, just to have that closure, that moment, to be there with that individual. That means the world to you. That's impactful. That can be something that you can heal from and move forward from, or, if you don't acknowledge it, it can haunt you for the rest of your life. I didn't make it there on time, I didn't do enough, there was never enough time.

Speaker 2: 14:36

All those things can impact us in ways that we don't know until we sit down and talk to somebody. So it's just being able to tell people that your worst day is your worst day. Maybe it's not traumatic as what I've been through, but maybe you witnessed something as a kid, maybe you saw something through your deployment that impacted you a little bit, and we need to understand things like moral injury. Now more than ever, that's one of the things that I constantly deal with the idea that we experience something in life that contradicts everything that we've known was right in the world. That has the potential to ruin somebody forever, and we're just now starting to scratch the surface and talk about it.

Speaker 1: 15:15

And that's where I think it's so important, like that, mental fitness, and that's why I was so intentional with the naming. I want it to be fitness, where you're hitting the cardio equipment three times a week and you're offloading things and you're processing and things like that. That's why I hope, like the title is powerful enough to you know, break some of the stigma and push on like you should be processing. If it's the you know best day of your life, worst day, middle, like you know, all those different things, trying to get through and process, not waiting for it to be the worst. That's not how it works. You don't show up for your PT test and not do anything and like hope this goes okay, you prepare, you do things. That's fitness. So I hope that we can relate that.

Speaker 1: 15:55

It's just so bizarre to me. We can talk about the physical body and we'll talk about what reps we're doing and what muscle groups we're working on, but I don't hear a lot of well, I sat in the park and meditated Like, oh, okay, cool, can you tell me more about that? I'd like to try that. Or I like the journal or quiet time in the morning. I mean, I think it's getting there, but still a little bit of you know, breaking through some of that. So, on that note, what can push out like real life, practical tips Like what are habits that you do every day or every week that help protect your mental wellness?

Speaker 2: 16:34

now, Physical fitness is one of the things that everybody latches onto, right. But what's the intent behind it? Am I going into the gym just blindly following a routine, or am I being intentional, whereas I don't take my phone in there? If you have two phones, if you're like me and you're chaotic, you have a work phone, a business phone. Business phone stays in the office. I take my track and I'm very precise with the music and I'm only looking at my workout timer. I'm focused on that workout.

Speaker 2: 17:01

Having the setting the intention for your morning routine is one of the most important things. Are you taking the first few hours you're awake to yourself, like trying to get some peace, trying to go for a walk, trying to quiet the mind the vast majority of Americans. You're waking up and you're already rushing. You're already on the timeline, especially if you're in the military. Wake up earlier, just a little bit earlier. Give yourself that first cup of coffee by yourself, and I get it. You might be parents like I'm certainly a new parent myself.

Speaker 2: 17:28

I know how hard that can be, but it's crucial to find time to just be silent, just be present in the moment. I say it often, now more than ever, because it's one of the missing pillars that we don't talk about. Talk about mind, body, and then we always forget the spirit Prayer. What's your prayer life like? And I get it. It's not sexy to talk about faith but it helps. Everybody that I've talked to and brought along and shared my journey with it and seeing them pick up their prayer life it helps. Yeah, you fall out of it. You'll forget to say your rosary, you'll forget your morning prayer. Just get back into it, put it in your routine so you can figure it out. Other thing that helps Sorry, go ahead.

Speaker 1: 18:07

I was just going to say it's wild. I started doing that recently Last couple of months. I get up and kind of go through a Bible study with my wife and I and it's just 30 minutes and it is so powerful, like the quietness and whatnot, before the kids are going, before I go to the gym, like it used to be that rush and the stress is on from 6.30 and on. Now we get up at 5.30, we eat some oatmeal, it's quiet, the sun's coming up Like I've heard have that quiet time in the morning. But doing it is just so powerful, like my last couple months. And yeah, like you said, we miss ones or whatnot. But overwhelmingly I've always said I'm not a morning person, I can't do 30 minutes more. But geez, that 30 minutes is amazing. But sorry, what were you going to say?

Speaker 2: 18:56

The other thing is people forget how important it is to go about your day with intention. And it's like this thing is a superpower, like write out what you're doing, hold yourself accountable, but understand that today maybe my list is 20 and maybe my 100% is doing the top 10. Maybe seven? Why do I need to be successful today? I know this intimately because I struggle with this. As an entrepreneur, I have to do everything on time. I have to get everybody else's shows up and running. I have to do guest outreach, I have to do social media content, but at the end of the day, what can I do? What really matters, what can I focus on? I can't be everything to everybody all day. At some point I have to walk out of this office. I have to be a member of my own family.

Speaker 2: 19:44

And the other thing is, when it comes to your time on the weekend, make no reservations, be bold about it and let people know you will not be calling me on Saturday and Sunday. You will not be. I know it's different for our military folks. I couldn't be that way when I was in. But if you're out, if you're a veteran, you find yourself constantly being controlled by this. Set boundaries. You have to set boundaries, professional and personal. Be willing to say no, I'm not going to answer this phone call. This is outside my working hours. Now, you might think it's the most important thing, but I guarantee you, I guarantee you it's not. It can wait till Monday.

Speaker 2: 20:22

If you're beholden to a phone, an iPad, an email list, what does your family come in? When does your family take priority? When does your family become something where it's like okay, this is my recharge time and I get it. I know, trust me, it sucks when you have those do-outs. Compromise where you can, but be unmoving when it comes to your family, because years later, when those kids are older, when your wife and you are enjoying those wonderful golden years, you got to look back and say I missed out on a lot because I wasn't willing to say no, you're not going to get me on a weekend. So find out where you can be uncompromising and be solid on that and just make sure that everybody knows Saturdays and Sundays, nate's with his family, no one's messing with him. Those are the only two days you get.

Speaker 1: 21:12

Be willing to be hard-nosed about it especially if you're an entrepreneur, and I think that goes back to, like you said, like the quiet time or intentionality. We've been building that in as well, and so it's helped dramatically too. So, two birds with one stone. And I'll just double down on the quiet in the morning because we go over what the calendar looks like and what's going on, because I got the podcast and so I'd be scheduling shows and then there'd be swim lessons and I'd conflict with swim lessons and I want to definitely be there to see my son and how he's doing, because I was a swimmer, so I want him to be a swimmer and all these things. And so if you just stop and put that intentionality into it, geez like you're more efficient.

Speaker 1: 21:49

I was like double booking and having to reschedule and cancel and it was a hot mess, but just pausing for five, 10 minutes, like, okay, this is Monday, this is what the week looks like as a overall and, uh, that is just a force multiplier. We're just getting, you know, almost more time back, even though you're not getting more, but you're just being more efficient with the time that you do have. So definitely just sit down and figure out the calendar. That is super important. Your next pillar is the importance of being a father. So you just mentioned that, so that's a perfect segue. How has fatherhood changed the way you view yourself and your role in the world?

Speaker 2: 22:25

It definitely made me more aware of my shortfalls. Like this little life needs you to be a hundred percent the best version of you and we always focus on financial Like I don't know what it is genetically, as men. The moment that little face comes into the world, you immediately think like, how can I make more money? Like, how can I provide more? Because we think that's the most important thing. And I'm telling you as somebody that's building something and constantly trying to scale up, like just for right now, having another, bring it on another show. Like, feel that pride of like, yes, that's more I can put towards my kids' savings, that's more that I can bring into the door. That's a success. But on the backside of it is like, how are you going to also balance this and be there for her? It's easy when she's nine weeks, when she's solely attached to your wife, but what happens when she's transferred 100% to the bottle? You don't have any excuses, my man. Grab that bottle, figure out how you can bring it into the studio, figure out how you can push some other responsibilities on an additional worker. It's time to scale up, to bring somebody else to take on the responsibilities, because you have the additional primary responsibility of being a father. So all that weight, all that pressure, we think it's financial, but when you dig down through it's like no, it's presence.

Speaker 2: 23:49

I didn't suffer because I didn't have financial well-being. I have met great people that were dirt poor but they had an amazing father, an amazing mother. They made men's meat and they never knew they were without anything because they had great parents. Father, sorry for swearing, don't know if I should have asked you if I can curse here I bit of, a bit of a foul mouth, but that's one thing I realized Like rich in presence.

Speaker 2: 24:11

Rich in presence your, your children and I know this for looking back in my life, like I want to be that constant presence. We can get away with it when they're little, when they're like nine weeks old, but do you really want to look back and say like you weren't there for all those pictures, you weren't there for all those memories? Of course not. It's like it's more than just worrying about the finances, like trust in God, have faith that you have the skills necessary to make the required amount of income, but you're not going to look back and say I wish I would have made more money when in reality you wish you had just been there for the football games, for the volleyball games, for the recitals, for the little lessons, like that's the thing that I'm realizing the more time I spend in here. Even though I'm loving this, this great conversation, the priority has to be that little girl in the other room.

Speaker 1: 25:04

Yeah, that's an important reminder. You don't get any second chances, you don't get the time back and you can't take it with you. I'm curious. You use the word success and I've asked the question on the show before. I feel like exactly what you said. As men, it's like cars and house and money. How would you, at this given state, define success?

Speaker 2: 25:25

Right now, I think success is I'm not a drug addict, I'm not an alcoholic. I have my faith and I have a amazing wife and family. Like I am, I am successful in what I'm doing right now. Financially, I'm exactly where I want to be, because I am putting food on the table, bills are paid for and I don't have bill collector hovering over my head Like so. It's like I'm not. I'm not a multi-billionaire, but at the end of the day, I am building something from the ground up without a blueprint, and I'm pretty proud of that.

Speaker 1: 26:04

Yeah, I don't think we need as much as we believe we do, that's for sure. I look back at, like, my grandparents' house and I think it was like 700 square feet or something, and now like, if it's anything less than two, we're considering it small like 2000. And so it's just kind of bizarre.

Speaker 2: 26:20

If I make millions of dollars, I'll be just as happy. But at the end of the day, looking at what I have right now, what I'm blessed to have, like I'm rich, I am wealthy, I'm looking back to the childhood I had. I'm looking back to the days where you know, when you're in your early twenties and you're sitting around with your other broken friends and you're just happy, you have lawn chairs and you're drinking on a Saturday night together. Like I'm looking back at all those days and looking where I'm at today and saying like, yeah, I may not be Elon Musk, I may not have millions and millions of dollars, but food's on the table, mortgages are paid. Like I am blessed, I am absolutely frigging blessed, and like there's, there's nothing to complain about.

Speaker 1: 27:11

At the end of the day, there's millions of people out there who are suffering, who are less fortunate, and I I can deeply, deeply say that I am blessed by God, absolutely, without a doubt, things in the United States that we didn't know existed when we were little.

Speaker 1: 27:40

They're like oh, everyone in the US, we're doing great. My mom would go to places that had like dirt floors or no running water, in the middle of nowhere Oregon, california border, outside of Klamath Falls, and so just some really, and he was talking about Florida, where there was a kid he would go and read books at at his sister's school, and it's like, oh, this kid's wearing the same thing every time. It's like, oh, he's got no food, he's got no clothes. And so we think like we're super prosperous and there's no, you know bad, and everyone's got money. And it's like, no, you know, even in the US don't even have to go to a third world country or anything to find some people that are definitely worse off than we are. It's definitely true, we are super blessed. We'll transition to your next pillar, which is what it means to be a man. I'm curious can you define masculinity, or maybe?

Speaker 2: 28:27

go through Absolutely. Yeah. There's no need for individuals to be resolute, be strong and stand up. This idea that masculinity is toxic is stupid, ignorant and completely false. Strong men have made this nation and the world better for eons. Weak men do the opposite. And this idea that because you're strong, because you're a protector, because you're somebody of faith, you're toxic no, that's just a bad person. You have a run-in with a bad person. That's a bad person. This idea that it's toxic masculinity no, you're dealing with somebody that is not a good person. We need men, we need people to be strong, authoritative leaders.

Speaker 2: 29:21

It doesn't mean being an asshole. It means being a good human being, a good, decent man. We're protectors. Never shy away from that. Never take a look at yourself and say, oh man, I'm toxic because I want to stand up to people. No, you should. You should.

Speaker 2: 29:36

If you see something that's unjust, you should speak up. And I've seen it myself. I've seen it all around in person. I've seen people that refuse to take action because they're scared somebody will say something, and that has to stop. We are protectors. We are defenders of the weak. It doesn't mean you have to go around kicking people and being an a**hole. No, if you see something wrong, be a protector, be somebody of value, be somebody of moral courage and distinction. That's masculinity. Men need to pick up the role and be willing to walk around and own it. The idea that we're going to make this world better, or our society in the United States better, by making men be quiet and ashamed of wanting to be good, decent people is really, really, really wrong, and now more than ever, we need people talking about it. There's nothing wrong with being masculine. There's nothing wrong with being a good man.

Speaker 1: 30:31

Absolutely Got to stand for something. If you don't stand for anything, then you know why are you even doing Absolutely. I'm curious what advice would you give to young men you know they are watching, they're listening, they're curious who are trying to find their identity? You got to have some balance. We talked about vulnerability earlier and then we just talked about being strong. Everything I think in this life is about balance. But how do you, what advice do you have for people trying to find that identity, that balance?

Speaker 2: 30:59

Stop looking at idols online. Stop looking for guidance on Instagram from men who are also broken. If you don't have a father, try to get into sports. Try to get involved in community actions. For the longest time in our nation, we had things like Boy Scouts and Eagle Scouts that helped young men become better and somewhere along the line it became something we made fun of and we rejected. It became a place for predators. It became a place for people not feel safe anymore and we need to change that. Young men need guidance. We can't find it at school through a coach, through a mentor. Look within your own family. Look for somebody who can help you get that guidance.

Speaker 2: 31:41

I think a lot of times we outsource mentoring our young men to social media. You see it all the time. Young men are looking up to these influencers for guidance and information and there isn't somebody within their own family that can help them figure it out. That's why I think it's really important to talk about faith, to talk about mentorship. If you're a military, if you're somebody in the military, be willing to give some of your time and volunteer through a school program to show these young men what a good, decent, positive male role model looks like and it's right there in front of us. It's an all-hands-on-deck situation. If you were just willing to donate some of your time to coach and mentor somebody that's younger than you, do it. You do it in the military all the time, whether you're Air Force, marine Corps, army mentoring is in your DNA. If you're an NCO, and that's how we help these younger men by providing real positive mentorship, real positive mentorship. Any base you're on, any community. There is a program where you can give some of your time to help mentor young men all across the United States and I will beg to say that if you do that, if you show community service, it even helps you out in your military career, and that's what we really need.

Speaker 2: 32:58

Young men need to see other men stepping up to the plate helping coach the next generation, because the screen, the social media influence, isn't there. People are looking at what success looks like from grifters online and it's gross man. You see it. Everybody who's listening to it can identify somebody online that's selling something, and it's always through the lens of fitness and that's what we perceive to be masculinity. That's what we perceive to be the best men. And yeah, physical fitness is an important aspect, but it's not the only important aspect Something to be said about being able to have somebody that's an actual role model in front of you that can help you figure out what it's like. And I know that there's a lot of men out there, or a lot of young men, that are growing up without father figures, and that's why I say like one of the most important things we can do as men is to embrace the role of being a husband and father and owning that role and working at it every single day.

Speaker 1: 33:57

Yeah, absolutely. I think you know it's the difficult part of finding someone real. I think that's the hardest part. You see Instagram and whatnot Like. Do we go on and post anything that's not the highlight of our life on there? No, it's like the family vacations, the money, the cars, whatever. You don't put like sorrows on Instagram or anything like that's not fun, that's not cool, and so I think you have to have that connection and realness which comes from a person, not a social media platform. And then, like you said, people trying to sell stuff is even worse. But even the real people aren't real. I mean not what you see, you're not seeing the difficult times. I mean, hopefully someone is posting some of those things, I think there's a few.

Speaker 1: 34:38

Yeah, yeah, there's a few that are out there, which leads us into positivity, I think, which is an awesome thing you're trying to get into. So what do you think veterans need more of in that emotional, social or professionally when they return to civilian life?

Speaker 2: 35:03

adversity, overcoming pain, overcoming the brokenness that the VA and our traditional healthcare system likes to push. It is still such a hard thing to push when you're fed this idea of disgruntled veterans, uncle Sam's misguided children. We have made people millionaires of embracing the idea of being a jerk because you have PTSD, of being a human being because you saw war. Guess what? You're not alone. I know countless veterans with insane combat stories and they don't choose to be an asshole. They choose to be positive, they choose to be cheerful, they choose to be good, decent human beings. And that's what we need. A champion. Get outside of that echo chamber of negativity. Walk away from the idea of being a disgruntled veteran. That's such a stupid moniker and the company behind it is filthy rich for promoting that idea. It's stupid. It absolutely negates everything that good, decent veterans and hardworking Americans are working so hard to get rid of. People that put out that sign of like hey, broken veteran lives here. Don't launch fireworks. That's stupid. Fireworks have nothing. Fireworks don't sound anything remotely close to like actual contact.

Speaker 2: 36:17

Trust me, this idea that we have to put our wounds at center, focus of everything that we do is ridiculous. Move past it, get over it. You're never going to succeed in life if all you're doing is presenting trauma and your scars to people over and over and over and over and over again. You can recover, you can heal. You can put this stuff in the back on the rear view mirror Every once in a while. Maybe you'll struggle, maybe you'll have. Like I say, mental health is a journey, it's not a destination. But it doesn't have to be something you carry with you and you show off proudly every single day of your life. Show them that you're the individual that served, that strong individual. Show them that. Show them the recovery. Show them the positive human being that's in there. Get over that. Have a success story. Everybody loves that. Everybody loves that success story, the rebound. Get to that rebound in your life and move forward and get rid of that stupid t-shirt, because the idea of disgruntled veteran is so dumb, sorry.

Speaker 1: 37:24

Yeah, that makes sense. That's one thing I really wanted to highlight on the show too, because I always felt like in our suicide prevention trainings we go over the symptoms, everyone's giving away all their stuff, we go over all the negative aspects of suicide prevention and mental health, but I never felt like we ever went over successes, like why don't we talk about the people that struggled and then now have the car they wanted, the wife they wanted, they now have a kid? Like we never seemed to do that portion of it. And so one of my like second or third episodes was a guy he attempted suicide twice but then he goes on to talk about how he promoted after you know he got some stuff you know taken care of and he now is retired and has a sweet Corvette or I forget what car it was, but he's got the convertible and he's right around Hawaii. Like that's awesome to see the positive, like that's the whole point. Let's see the other side of it.

Speaker 1: 38:14

I feel like those would probably be more beneficial at least I believe Like if we looked at people that struggled and bounced back. It's like we talk about the struggles like, oh, they're giving everything away. You know, check on them, take away their guns and everything. But it's like, can we do the good side so we can actually see what happens? Get to the other side, which leads me to my next question. I love stories so I got to at least ask for one story. Can you share a story where a shift in that positive mindset made a huge difference for a veteran you know or worked with man? I don't like sharing, don't want to give out the details right?

Speaker 2: 38:52

Yeah, I don't want to. I'll share this one. Um, I have a really close friend who also had a really traumatic childhood, really rough upbringing, and was also part of special operations community and just had a really hard time showing emotions. I mean, he's a father, he's got a wife, but he would openly say we're both in the same treatment center. Emotions were something that wasn't accessible to him. If he saw his wife get hurt or his kids get hurt, he couldn't show that emotion. But he was cognizant and aware enough that this was a problem he wanted to get through this. He didn't understand it, didn't know the actual human emotion of crying and having that breakdown, that release you get from crying for showing this person meant something to me. So I want to show that emotion. That's the first time I ever had anybody like talk about that openly. I'm like holy shit, like like that's, it's deep, like you don't have that ability.

Speaker 2: 39:49

And he went through his own journey of healing and recovery and we're fortunate enough to have a support group of other guys that were just like us from the same background rangers, green berets, our sock raiders. We had this sort of like support group of dudes that were always checking in on each other, always going through their journey, and we're seeing each other through three, about three years of growth and recovery and getting better and stronger, getting over things that we thought surely we'll never get over. And tragically, we lose one of our friends At the funeral. This was the first time he was able to finally have that moment of like, release of crying, and it was so foreign and so alien to him that he looked over and he's like I don't understand this. Like I'm like this is sorrow, this is grief. Like in that moment he was finally able to actually have, like, tap into that moment of like. This is sorrow, this is grief. Like in that moment he was finally able, like to actually have, like, tap into that moment of like. Oh fuck. Like for the past few years, this person's been like somebody I could count on and talk through, and we lost him Like holy shit.

Speaker 2: 40:54

And since having that experience, you would think it's like oh, that's nothing.

Speaker 2: 41:02

But think about what it's like to go through life and not having that emotion of like being able to cry and like miss and like show sorrow and remorse for losing a friend and then, in one moment, being able to experience all that it changed him completely, went back home, had moments with his wife, being able to cry, being able to have that moment like, oh, I have a human emotion, I felt something in a moment, I lost somebody and, yeah, it was a horrible moment.

Speaker 2: 41:25

It's a horrible thing and you should cry. And the point of that story is, no matter how far away or removed you think you are from emotions and how alien it may feel because that's something I realized a lot of people feel they can experience that after going through so much trauma, through work, through dedication and just being open to it. Yeah, sadly, we're going to experience loss in our lives, but he was able to finally have that feeling and feeling that connection of being, yes, I am a human being. I can feel this emotion. It's one of the most remarkable things I've ever been able to witness and see from a close friend of mine who literally can never have that feeling or thought he was never going to have that feeling or emotion.

Speaker 1: 42:12

Yeah, just incomplete. It reminds me I mean it's oversimplified, but you know those phrases and things we say. Like you can't cherish the sun without the rain. Like you, you need the positive, the negative. You need that complete. I think you need everything.

Speaker 2: 42:25

You need it, you need it and it was such an amazing moment. It's sad, it's bitter. Here we are mourning the loss of our friend, but he was able to connect, he was able to feel it, he was able to sit during that moment and now it's not something that haunts him, it's not something that he's like yeah, we still have our talks. I'm like man, I really miss D around man, such a great dude. But it's no longer something that we can't move, because we've been able to go through the process and grieve the loss of that friend together and he's been able to go through the entire experience and it's no longer. It's not something that's going to be trapped as trauma or loss that's going to forever haunt him or keep him from being able to experience a full recovery of it.

Speaker 1: 43:14

Wow, that's powerful stuff and you don't want him to feel, you know, negative but it gets to that ultimate. You know, sometimes I had a massage the other day, which I guess is a weird reference but I had the elbows and the knees in my back and whatnot and I was like I have to press through this difficult time where it hurts and it's painful so I can release the knots and feel better later. But it's like one of those things like I tried to apply that to other things, like you got to press through the difficult and I really want to just kick her off me, but it's like no, no, I got to press on and get through it.

Speaker 1: 43:46

You know the the best things are on the other side of some negative things sometimes. And then your final pillar, which I think is super important, is that transition phase. I've had a few people on. We talked about it briefly with a couple people, but what do you think is the hardest part about transitioning?

Speaker 2: 44:05

finding your true purpose, finding your purpose, your way. I look back when I was first going through a transition period in my life and I thought I was going to be doing a million other things, and it feels scary. You're alone, you feel like you have to follow somebody else's path and you don't know how to figure out your own path. But the greatest tool and the greatest resource I can tell anybody is to just be still. And so look back at your entire military career and see how successful you were and to realize that you're not a failure. So why are you going to be a failure now going through this process? Look at the proof, look at the factual data. You've never failed in this entire military career. So why are you now going into the unknown, feeling like you're going to fail? Start figuring out who you really are. Find the thing you're passionate. I always say you, cal Newport, great author, great guy, tons of great wisdom. But I say to you, to Cal Newport, because his conventional wisdom is to not follow your dream, to not follow your heart, to find something that is valuable, that people will pay you to do because it's hard, because it's a niche thing, and then become really good at that, be good at something that few can do, and then people will want you and you'll be able to charge them X amount of money and then eventually you can follow your dreams. And again I say if you Cal Newport, you never served in the military. You don't know what it's like to wake up one day and say I don't want to do this, but continue doing it, continue pushing for it until enough's enough and you say no, I don't want to do this anymore, I'm done, I'm leaving, I'm out. If that's where you're at today, the organization is better suited, with you moving forward on your own. Be courageous enough to do that. If you're no longer in love with the profession, move on. Don't stay there begrudgingly because you need a paycheck, because you need to make ends meet. Move forward.

Speaker 2: 46:10

If you're not passionate, take the time to find what you're passionate about and have the audacity, the cunning to go after it. Don't let somebody else live your life. Don't let somebody else be living the dream that you wish you could have done. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be hard, but when has the easy route ever been fruitful for you? Never. The vast majority of you that chose the military wanted to do something adventurous, that was difficult and challenging. Take that same approach into your next endeavor. If it's an MBA, go to Rice University. If it's being a contractor, by all means go be Rice University. If it's being a contractor, by all means go be that contractor. If it's being an operations manager at Fox or NBC or NASCAR, go do that. There are people that can help you get there, and it's not always. You don't always need to go to the education route. Sometimes it's more about the network and the people. But if you're going into the unknown to do something impossible that you don't know about, even better.

Speaker 1: 47:13

Go figure it out. What advice do you have for the people you know same AFSC, mos, 20 years. They punch out. I feel like that'd be such a difficult thing. I'm on my third one, because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. But I finally figured it out. But if you did 20, 24, whatever, like you've done the one thing, like I feel like it's easy to say, oh yeah, just do the thing you want to do, and like, I don't know, I've only done the one thing. What advice for those? The beauty of it.

Speaker 2: 47:39

Start figuring out who you are. I had it easy. I had to figure it out in a mental health treatment center. I had nothing but time. I had to sit there and understand. I didn't know who I was. So figure out who you are. Figure out who you are Authentically, uniquely you. What do you love If you're sitting here in front of that microphone that tells me that you like telling a story, that you like being able to communicate with people. That is uniquely something that's within you.

Speaker 2: 48:12

Think back to all those moments in childhood when you felt happiest when you were doing something funny. When I did that, I went back in time and I looked at what me and my sister were doing as little kids. We would record ourselves making jokes on our little tape player and we will play those jokes back to ourselves and we got such a thrill out of hearing our voices play back and listening to our little skits, because Adam Sandler used to have his cassettes, his little skit cassettes, and we used to make our own versions of that. And I realized I like telling stories, I like being able to joke and be humorous and make people laugh. But, more importantly, I like being an advocate. I liked championing the cause of my brothers and sisters from the soft community. That needed somebody talking about this stuff that we're going through, that nobody else was sharing, nobody else. I didn't see another podcast like this. Nobody was talking about operator syndrome, nobody was talking about blast exposure, nobody was going out there doing these things and I said, okay, I might not know how to do it right now, but I'll figure it out. And I did. And I figured it out and I continued to figure it out and then, somewhere along the line, somebody started paying me to produce their podcast. And then somebody else started paying me to produce their podcast and I realized this is a lot of work.

Speaker 2: 49:28

But there's not a moment in time where I walked into that door, gotten into the studio, sat down, started doing post-production and I said, hey, I'm done, I don't want to do this anymore. This is too far. It's the opposite. The days where I have a do out that's a mile long and it's super hard. I look at myself, I look what I'm doing and say I've built this. Nobody else was out there helping me. Nobody came through those doors and say I'll help you produce, I'll send you to Berkeley to learn how to do audio production.

Speaker 2: 49:58

No, I did that. I sat down, I figured it out and if I can do it, you can do it because I'm not special. My old uniform may have said special forces and that old Green Beret may have said that I'm a special operations guy, but I don't wear that. That's behind me, actually, it's the plaques in front of me. That's my past, the future. Podcast producer, social media manager all those things I'm building for myself. And if I can figure it out, you at home can figure it out. You can do better than me. You have better, you have different tools and different assets and you need to employ them to make yourself the greatest version in your chapter two, and I know you can do it.

Speaker 1: 50:44

I think the biggest thing is just doubling down on like what you do and what your strengths are. Like you said, I remember growing up and every report card my mom has. I don't know why she keeps all these things, but Nate is a joy to have in class but talks way too much. I will connect with anybody. It just used to crack me up. They would move me to different tables. I'm like you can keep trying it. I'm going to keep talking and finding connection. I love people, I've always loved people, and I want to know more about them and I have a curiosity and things like that.

Speaker 1: 51:15

So he put me next to the girl, the boy younger, older, doesn't really matter, I'm going to continue to talk. So they're like oh, we're going to find the right place. Yeah, you just keep on, keep on trying. But I think for the longest time you just feel like you're odd or you're you know whatever. And they want to like take away my recess and things like that. But at some point you just double down. Hey, that's me Like I'm sorry for you know, I don't want to apologize anymore for like being who you are. You know that's who I am and you know I guess it's too bad. So I think you really just got to lean into it, not feel any type of way and get after it. But the last thing I wanted to ask you, denny, is you could bring it all together. So we talked fatherhood, masculinity, life after service, what would be the one?

Speaker 2: 52:00

takeaway for listeners today. One takeaway Go into the unknown. You've done it your entire military career. Go into the unknown. You're built for it. Push away from the safety of military career. Go into the unknown You're built for it. Push away from the safety of the harbor. Go into deeper water. That's where you're meant to be. I want more people to follow that.

Speaker 1: 52:17

Get out there, try something new. It's freaky Leap of faith. It and get out there. You don't know until you try. Well, denny, where can people connect and learn more about you?

Speaker 2: 52:27

The easiest place is LinkedIn and Instagram. I'm active on both all day, every day. Seek out my podcast, security Hot Podcast. You can text me after. If you go to the episodes, you can send me a text on there. It's pretty freaking awesome. I'm open, always available, and if you're a veteran in need, please reach out it's called podcast at gmailcom. Security Hot Podcast is a podcast. Security, always available. And if you're a veteran in need, please reach out SecHopPodcast at gmailcom. Security Hop Podcast is a podcast. Securityhopcom is a website, always available to any veteran in need. Anybody that wants to have a virtual cup of coffee, hit me up. If you're looking to launch a podcast, come on in.

Speaker 1: 53:05

Production is always cooking over here at Security Hop Media Sounds good. Well, thank you again. As always, thank you for tuning in. Please drop a review or write on social media. Let me know what you think, let me know any advice or feedback and we'll see you next time. I love you all. See ya, thank you you.