What Changes When You Start Telling Yourself The Truth w/ Ken Miller

Some conversations shake you awake. This one does it with candor and care as we sit down with Ken Miller—once a National Merit Scholar, later homeless and addicted, now a sober entrepreneur and mentor—to unpack what growth, resilience, truth, and self-esteem look like when life gets messy. We don’t trade in platitudes here; we trade in tools you can use today.

We start by stripping success of its shiny labels and measuring it by connection, contribution, and character. Ken reframes growth as maturity and discernment: choosing long-term over “right now,” delaying gratification, and accepting discomfort as the price of a better future. He takes us through a four-part self-audit—physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual—showing how daily reading, lifting, counseling, and a behavior-shaping spiritual practice rebuilt his mind and habits after prison at age forty-five. Along the way we trace the famous marshmallow test to real life: postponing pleasure and absorbing low-grade pain to earn compounding gains.

Resilience, for Ken, is the comeback from the setback by removing the power of past pain. He tells a searing family story and how releasing resentment freed the bandwidth to live well. We examine guilt versus shame, why self-talk decides whether adversity fuels growth or feeds addiction, and how you can gauge your esteem by how you receive a compliment. Then we get tactical: outside accountability, written daily commitments, and controlling your environment so your habits don’t have to fight your habitat.

The heart of the conversation is truth—the kind that changes behavior. Ken’s hardest truth was forgiving himself and refusing both the hero and victim roles. From that place, life becomes steadier: fewer frictions, cleaner choices, more capacity to show up for people who need you. If you’re starting at forty-five or fifty-five, start anyway. Today is the opening day.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with someone who needs courage for their next step, and leave a review to help more people find it. Your story might be the nudge someone is waiting for.

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Stage: Four Pillars
• 1:21 Ken’s Identity Beyond Titles
• 2:33 Why Share Hard Truths Publicly
• 3:36 Redefining Success Beyond Money
• 6:00 What Makes A Great Guest
• 7:57 Growth As Maturity And Discernment
• 8:33 From Scholar To Streets To Sobriety
• 11:07 Choosing Long-Term Over Right Now
• 14:03 Starting Over At Forty-Five
• 15:36 The Four-Quadrant Self-Audit
• 17:46 Rock Bottom And Listening To God
• 19:55 Reading, Lifting, And Owning Secrets
• 21:42 Resilience: Removing Pain’s Power
• 23:13 Letting Go Without Letting Off
• 24:32 Self-Talk, Guilt Vs Shame
• 26:26 Measuring Esteem By Compliments
• 27:34 Building Real Self-Esteem
• 29:27 Control Your Environment
• 31:20 The Hardest Truth: Self-Forgiveness
• 33:25 Integrating The Pillars When Life Hurts
• 35:27 Gratitude, Community, And Closing

Transcript

Setting The Stage: Four Pillars

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Good to have you back on Mind Force. I'm your host, Nate Shear. Today's main themes are growth, resilience, truth, and self-esteem. Today feels pretty simple, but deep at the same time. Growth, resilience, truth, and self-esteem, they sound pretty simple on paper. Living them gets a little more messy. Ken and I are going to talk about how these things show up in real life. When growth costs you comfort, when resilience feels thin, when truth challenges your identity, when self-esteem gets built the hard way, maybe the right way, the more proper way. Ken, let's start with you. Who are you beyond titles and roles right now?

SPEAKER_03 1:04

My name is Ken Miller. I live in Blaine, Washington. And the simple one is I'm a kind and gentle man today. I'm 63 years old, mixed heritage, and father, grandfather, husband, and all-around nice guy.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

That's awesome. We need a few more of you. Where are you hiding? What season of life are you in right now?

SPEAKER_03 1:28

Well, you know, that is defined by the individual. You know, most people would say an older individual. I'm 63 years old, but many times my wife will tell you, I act like I'm about 20, but I'm 63. I'm a grandfather. And I'm in that, you know, that I'd say that last quarter. I hope it's a quarter. About that last quarter, I'm hoping for another good 20 years of giving back to communities and giving back to my family and also treating myself with some self-respect.

Why Share Hard Truths Publicly

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Awesome. Yeah. Age is just a number. I'm coming up on 40. And, you know, I feel like more in the 20s. I say 29 when people ask. That's it's a little bit easier. Well, Ken, I'm curious, what pulled you into this conversation today?

SPEAKER_03 2:12

You know, I I love being on podcasts. I love being able to express what I don't see a lot of, which is just one man's opinion and or experience what he believes is truth, and then be able to express those because there's a lot of people I think are uncomfortable expressing their truths, or they haven't defined them. So I come on shows like this, and I'm just so thankful, Nate, that you've given me the opportunity to, you know, again, share my truth. I've experienced things that many people will never experience and have never experienced. That's my truth. And I'll be able to express some of that, but mainly I just want to give people some hope, some sense of if he can do it, maybe I can do it. And maybe this is just food for thought or something I can ponder over in my health, wellness, and growth.

Redefining Success Beyond Money

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Absolutely. Well, Ken, thanks for coming on the show. I think the whole purpose behind the podcast I've been asked, like what the core of it is. And I think it's just connection at its core. I mean, there's so many different things we could go through, but I feel like that's the real way we get through life. You, like you mentioned, not sure if it can be done. You feel like you're trying it on your own. It's not until you hear it from someone else, I feel like it becomes real. Someone else did it? Cool, I can do it. I think a lot of times we spy roll and we get into different things in our head, and you're thinking you're the only one that's been through it. With 8 billion people on the earth, you're probably not the only one that's, you know, been through that situation. So, you know, find somebody else, find that connection and get through whatever it is. Well, Ken, your warm-up question is what's one belief you've had about success earlier that you'd probably laugh at now?

SPEAKER_03 3:58

That success is defined by monetary or financial. You know, and that's a very common one for entrepreneurs. I'm an entrepreneur. So I have five businesses that I own today. I've also had one or two that I do not longer, I do not uh long own no longer own. But anyway, it's the definition of success as being based on finance, whether it's a finite number or it's a perception or feeling that I am financially secure due to this business andor you know a successful endeavor that I have engaged in. So that's I laugh at that now.

What Makes A Great Guest

SPEAKER_00 4:40

It's so interesting, too, because it's come up on the show so many times. I've had full like episodes around it where you know someone believed if they got this house or that car or they got something, that would be it and they would be done. It's like that's not how it works. And, you know, time and time again, they found relationships more important, the people more important, you know, all these things that were social creatures at our core. So yeah, it's a good reminder. I think, you know, there's never enough like, you know, reminder of bringing that up time and time again. Like the the money is gonna fade away. You know, you need the people and things like that. I saw something from a pastor the other day. He was on stage and he was saying, you know, I have to go to deathbeds and do the departure. And he's like, I've never once had someone say, bring me my snowboard or bring me my boat, bring me my golf clubs. Every time it's bring me someone I love. And that's what you you know you want on the way out, not to make it morbid, but you know, those are the things that are more important. Well, Ken, before we get too much further, I'd love for you to ask me a question.

SPEAKER_03 5:44

So a question I have for you. What is the best guest? What is the manifestations of their communications actions that make a very, very good guest for your show?

SPEAKER_00 5:59

That's a good one. I think there's a lot of good ones. I think, you know, I couldn't narrow it down to one, but I would say anyone that has like the good conversational skills, anything where we can go back and forth. The only ones I've really had challenges with, like sometimes it's difficult where one is talking and I can't figure out where I fit in, and then I try to step in and then I step on them. And so I guess it's a good dance partner. Maybe that's the reference where you know when to step in and you know, not two left feet and stepping all over each other. But anyone where we're having a good conversation, because I've had some people, they're like, I'm afraid to come on the show. I don't know if what I'll say is is good enough, quote unquote. And I'm like, we just have to put stuff out there. We have no idea what resonates with who, what connects with who. I'll take a lot of different people from a lot of different backgrounds because we're not sure what's going to connect. Sometimes that makes me a little sad. We're like, I don't know if my stories are good enough. I don't know either, but let's get them out there. Let's try. I don't know. That might be the story that someone needs. So I think sometimes we internalize too much, like, oh, I'm not good enough or something. I think we're all good, you know. Let's get them out there, get them recorded. You know, if it helps one person, that that's enough. That's worth the editing, the time, all those things. It doesn't have to be 10 people. I think that's another thing that's shown up on the show a lot. We want like huge efforts all the time. Sometimes it's the the littler things that are important.

SPEAKER_03 7:19

But I'm writing a book on that.

Growth As Maturity And Discernment

SPEAKER_00 7:21

Are you, yeah, it's so funny to me. Like it's okay to take the small steps. They get to the bigger thing. We've seen that with James Clear, I think. Is that his name? Atomic Habits. We've seen it with the one-inch domino. I've seen it in a bunch of different ways. But can Wool transition into growth, your first of four pillars. So when did growth start feeling or stop feeling exciting and just start feeling uncomfortable for you?

From Scholar To Streets To Sobriety

Choosing Long-Term Over Right Now

SPEAKER_03 7:48

Well, I think it might be opposite. It was uncomfortable. Then growth has become comfortable for me now. And what that means very simply is that I fought growth. So let's change the term growth to maturity. And then there's even a higher level called discernment. And what I had was in my, let me give a real quick background. I have so people have to understand where I've come from to understand why I talk from the platform I talk today. So, very simply, I'm a foster child. I did six years of foster homes. I was adopted at age six, grew up in upstate New York, then moved to Anchorage, Alaska. I was a precocious child. I was a national merit scholar. I was accepted to Harvard. I went to Dartmouth College, got my degree there. Unfortunately, I tell people I majored in fraternity with a minor in drinking. That was my major in minor. And so when I got out, I was a full-blown alcoholic at age 21. I went to treatment, got cleaned up, went into the corporate world, did very well for two or three years, relapsed, and then I was to spend the next 20 years homeless on the streets. I'm also a three-time convicted felon, and I've spent many years behind bars. In 2007, I was released from prison the last time with no skills, no marketable anything that I could offer. Worked in a warehouse part-time. And to now, today, I've been clean now 21 years. Last September, I celebrated 21 years. I own five businesses, and by all measures of success, I am a successful man. And so that's who I am today. So let's talk about that growth. For me, growth and maturity, many of my decisions were based on immaturity. And a lot of people say, well, what does that mean? Well, it means that I make decisions based on how really how a child makes decisions. A child who is three and four years old makes decisions on two things: me and right now. They're not thinking about 10 years or 20 years or when I retire when you are three years old. They're not thinking about others. They're thinking about, I'm hungry, I want to play, and I want to do it now. I continue that immature decision making, literally into my 40s. And then really until I made there was a very pivotal moment where I made a decision to become mature and make decisions based on long-term and make decisions. I love it based on connections, which means the community and my family and loved ones. Let's put them first. And then actually I put God first, and then my wife, and then there's a whole bunch of other people, and then I'm down there about six or seven. Okay. When I make decisions, and I'm talking about profound, sublime decisions. But anyway, that gives you so growth, maturity. I had to make a decision to grow because I was stuck. I was doing the same behavior I was doing when I was 23, and I'm in 45 years old, or 42 years old, and making the same decisions because there was no growth in my emotional maturity. You could say intellectual maturity, physical maturity, and my spiritual maturity or spiritual growth. You can change the word.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

What a small world. So I went to the University of North Dakota to fly airplanes to be a professional commercial airline pilot. But I always say I majored in beer pong and minored in poor decision. So that's kind of funny. I have nearly the exact same joke. And it's interesting about the long decision, because I saw a thing about kids and they were looking at kids. And one of the ways they could determine if they would be successful later on was they'd offer them a marshmallow. And if the kid would take one marshmallow immediately, they'd see that they were very short, short-sighted. But if they could get them to understand that if they waited, they said what it was. If you wait 10 minutes, I'll give you two marshmallows, but you'll get none right now. And that was pretty, pretty interesting. It was like five minutes, 10 minutes, very short. But if they could look long enough, like, hey, if I just wait, I get two instead of one. But a lot of them still took the one right away right away because they're kids and like you said, immature.

SPEAKER_03 12:17

It's a famous experiment in behavioral science. It's a heuristic. We call it a heuristic. What it it it the manifestation is this is that to make decisions long term, you have to do things today. But what it also means is that you have to preclude pleasure and you have to absorb pain. Those are the two things that are difficult for humans. And so there's pleasure in the now, and then there's also putting off discomfort in the now. But for success and growth and maturity, you have to be able to do that and do that on a consistent basis. James Clear talks about that in atomic habits. And it's about those small incremental habits that in the beginning especially are discomforting. That's the word I use, but they're all on the what I call the wavelength or the scale of pain. And it's just a low-level pain, it's discomfort.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

That makes sense. So you said you got out the last time, out of curiosity, the last time you got out and had no skills, what age was that?

SPEAKER_03 13:30

It was exactly I got out in 07 and I was born in 62, so I was 45 years old.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

So what would you say to somebody like, oh, I'm too old, uh I can't learn new tricks?

The Four-Quadrant Self-Audit

SPEAKER_03 13:41

You're incorrect? What I would say to them is that there's always the beginning, which is today. And you have the rest of the future, which is unknown for 99.9% of us. And so why not start? I could have again gave in gave up. I'd been down, that was the third time I got out of the penitentiary. First two times I went back to the same behavior and actions, and they gave me the same results. Now I had to, and believe me, it was discomforting to not use. It was discomforting to not spend my money right away. It was discomforting to go down there and ask for a job to, you know, uh work in a warehouse picking, you know, materials. You know, my ego, hey, I'm a high believer. Hey, I used to, you know, be a corporate superstar. Yeah, well, right now, you just need to get a job and you need to save up your money to do XYZ. And so anyway, I did those things. And you, the listener who is maybe at that position, because we come out of that many times out of especially drug addiction. We come out of that out of bad relationships or relationships that have gone. We come out of that just waking up one day and saying, Hey, I need to make a change, I need to grow, I need to mature. So, how do I go about doing that? And very simply, I don't I'll make this quick quick because we can spend 45 minutes just on this.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

There's four areas physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. And so the key, the key, the key component is you have to do a self-audit.

SPEAKER_03 15:31

On a scale, we can just do a one to ten. On a scale to one to ten, where is my physical? On a scale to one to ten, how am I intellect? When was the last time I read a book?

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Not YouTube, okay, not Netflix, a book.

unknown 15:48

Okay?

SPEAKER_03 15:49

Third, where am I emotionally with three with two entities? Where am I emotionally with me? That's my self-esteem, a lot of that. And where am I emotionally with others? Okay, do I have resentments? Do I harbor hatred? Do I have friction in my relationships with colleagues, co-workers, and or family members or loved ones? And then the fourth one, let's audit where am I spiritually? Where am I with a belief and or a trust and an outside entity that can modify my behavior? That's the key. I cannot say that enough. That can modify whether you call it Buddha, Allah, Jesus Christ, God, whatever it may be, does it modify your behavior? Because if you come to me and say, I have a spiritual entity, I'll call it God. Does it modify your behavior through prayer and meditation? Because in the end, it's the behaviors, the actions that are going to be the marker of your quote-unquote success and growth.

Rock Bottom And Listening To God

SPEAKER_00 16:58

So, Ken, I'm I'm really curious. I love psychology, but it's just oh confusing and interesting to me. So some people identify they're off the track and they get back on. Some, you know, a lot of times we hear, oh, rock bottom and they bounce. So you said, you know, you ended up going to prison multiple times. So what do you think looking back was the difference between time one, two, and then the third one where it's like, hey, I gotta, I gotta figure this out. What why was three different than two?

Reading, Lifting, And Owning Secrets

Resilience: Removing Pain’s Power

SPEAKER_03 17:27

Because I made it different. I made it different. And then I was blessed with a conversation from God. I know exactly where I was, I know exactly what I was doing. I was in unit 13, lying on the bunk in the afternoon, getting ready to go back to prison again because I had been caught with selling crack cocaine. And uh God and I had a conversation. Let me put it this way. I listened. That's what was different. I listened. And God didn't say I'm gonna give it to you. God didn't say this is going to be easy. He said I would be there with you. I'll never forget it. I I talk about it in my book, I I talk about it on different podcasts. But the key thing is once that happened, I still knew I I needed to go into these four areas. Physically, I was a disaster because of the crack cocaine. Mentally, I would read a paragraph in a book or a magazine, and I could not tell you what the first sentence told what what the first sentence was by the time I got to the last sentence in the paragraph. Because my brain wasn't used to thinking. So when I got to prison, I read one one year I read 130 nonfiction books. One year. I went in the gym, I set records as a power lifter. Okay, truth. I deadlifted 518 at 198. Anyone who knows that. Then probably the most important, or really the two most important, emotional. I went and sat down with a counselor and shared my secrets because my secrets were really was the probably the biggest bugaboo or the biggest impediment to my growth was my secrets. Because my secrets told me I was less than. My secrets told me I wasn't worthy of success or good things in life. That's my secrets. So I sat down and took away the power of the secret. And then I started my investigation into the spiritual. And I did I investigated. I mean, I went to Islamic services, I went to Christian services, I went to a Native American. This is in prison service, and I'm very comfortable with my spiritual presence in my life. I use it to modify my behavior, but it's rare that I have to go into prayer. It's very rare. Because I only pray for God's will. That's the only thing I pray for. I don't pray for people's health. I don't. This is my choice, my decision. But I do pray for God's will and the power to carry out. Give me indication of what is the next indicated correct thing to do in this situation. But my life is so smooth. It's so easy. I do I do life well. It's another thing, Nate. I talk about and I want to say it here. I am well. I am well. I am competent to life. And I make good decisions for me and my loved ones, especially for my loved ones. And for me too. But I I'm competent to life. And so what that gives me, so I don't do a lot of self-help. But I did 10 years. I don't do a lot of that anymore because I don't have the capacity, or I choose to take that capacity and volunteer and mentor and be with the family to do podcasts, things like this, to get back. I'm not working on me all the time. That was the whole thing. And you have talked about that earlier. My my book that's coming out, or will be coming out this year, is I'm good with good. I'm good with good. I'm not just good to great. I'm not about greatness in anything. 99% of the people do not have the capacity to be great in anything. I will never outrun Yusand B. Usahnabe. Both, excuse me. Never. Okay? I'll never outlive Ed Cohn, who's a very famous power lithium. Never. I don't care how long I I train to be great, but I'm good with good, because then I can then give out with the connections that I've created. Hope I didn't go too long on that one.

SPEAKER_00 21:53

No, no, that's good. But we will transition to the next one, which is resilience. I'm uh active duty military, and so we love to say, oh, resilience is the ability to bounce back. Sometimes uh I think the the definition's a little blah. So how would you define resilience?

SPEAKER_03 22:12

Well, we have a a term that we use in the speaking world, the comeback from the setback. You know, the comeback from the setback. And what it really means is at least this. Is my definition. It's the ability to take an experience or an event, but it's an experience of pain and being able to take away the power of that past memory andor pain and engage in actions that won't recreate it.

SPEAKER_01 22:47

Okay. So I'll give you an example.

SPEAKER_03 22:51

My father shot my mom six times, shot her. And then came to shoot me at my job, went to hers. And when that happened, and I went to the hospital, my mom was in pre-op, all that, blood coming through the sheets. I'll never forget that. Because she's getting ready. I just came in right after the shooting. And I had just one emotion, which was hatred toward my father.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

And I used that for a lot of years to justify my addiction and alcohol.

Self-Talk, Guilt Vs Shame

SPEAKER_03 23:27

And I had other ones too. I had other secrets that I used. So how do that was a setback? That's a profound setback. How do I come back? And I mean come back to wellness because I was born an innocent child. I was a, and I was a good kid. I was afraid, but I was a good kid. And how do I come back to that state of being of grace within myself and my relationship spiritually? And I can't do that harboring hatred. And so my dad and I, years later, we spoke and I let go of that. And I let go of that rationalization or excuse, but more importantly, I let go of that taking up space that in an emotion would bring up anything that would trigger a thought of my father. And now I don't, I have true, true, Nate. I have no resentments, not a single resentment toward any human being in this world, and including myself. So that's a part of resilience. And there's I I speak on this from the stage. And there's a process that we go through or we can that I suggest. But the key to resilience, the key is truth.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

It's truth. Interesting. So one thing I'd like to ask that I feel like it comes up quite a bit is the thought of people believing that they're letting the other person off the hook or something to that effect. What are your thoughts? The listeners like, well, no, that's not fair, because then they they get off free.

SPEAKER_03 25:12

No. No. So what you're doing is you're saying that I am judge, jury, and executioner. And I will sentence you to pain or discomfort because you've created pain or discomfort within me.

SPEAKER_00 25:28

Hmm.

Measuring Esteem By Compliments

SPEAKER_03 25:29

But believe me, unless you physically can manifest this, and I don't recommend it, because I've done that. I've gone to kill people on three occasions, three, on the streets. I was a drug dealer. I was a drug addict. Okay. And in that world, we have scripts that we believe we need to play out. And there are people that quote unquote disrespected me that the only way in my immature mind was to hurt them. So I go to shoot people, and I remember somebody said, Did you were you going to kill them? I don't know. I was going to shoot them if they I don't know the bullets. I can laugh at this now because this is 20, 30 years ago. But anyway, going back, that that's one of the key components is identifying this truth, be able to let go of that emotion that comes up in the present. Because the other thing that we do is we displace that emotion to another entity. We kick the dog, we holler at the children, we get into an argument with our wife, and had nothing to do with them. It's just that we build up so much angst, pressure, negativity that we need to let it out. And they're the victim of something that happened to us 20 years ago or two months ago or on the job today.

Building Real Self-Esteem

SPEAKER_00 26:57

That's so funny. I went through a training with the Arbinder Institute. They do outward mindset training. And uh one of the things I'll always remember is there's a scenario and they go through it, and like the husband and wife are arguing. And I think the title of it is It's Not About the Dishes, which I always thought was funny. Arguing about the you didn't put the dish away. You put the dish in the wrong way. And it's it's not actually, there's something else. Maybe it's sometimes it really is about that thing, but I think most of the time. One thing I'd love to ask you, Ken, I'd love to do a dissertation on this. I have my master's, but I don't know if I'll ever get to a doctorate. But if I ever do one, it's on this. And so I'd love to hear your opinion. Why do you think that some people use difficult times and difficult upbringings to catapult themselves into amazing things and then other half into drugs and alcohol? And, you know, there's a fine line. Something happens where you use it for good or not for good. And I, what is that? What happens?

Control Your Environment

SPEAKER_03 27:55

What happens is that there's an internal conversation. So we we speak to three entities. You see, I use the word entities a lot because it's very uh encompassing. So we talk to others, which is the external, we talk internal, and we talk to a spiritual presence if we believe in one. Okay, so we have these three conversations going on literally almost at all times. A lot of times we're not in the spiritual, like I said, I don't pray that often because, quote unquote, I don't need to pray that often. That's just my opinion and my truth. But we'll have these conversations external. But the key one is that internal, it's self-talk. Okay. So an individual that is has high self-esteem, they use the setbacks. They just use past pain as a motivator or as a tool to a greater good. That's what I've done. I've taken all my negative things, literally all of them, and now I speak from the stage about them. And what it's done is it's again a tool. Or the worst thing is that you take these negative experiences and you say it's about me. You know, I talk about this, I have this topic I talk about, which has been worked really well. The difference between guilt and shame. Guilt said says, I did this. Shame says I am this. And when you when you take into that concept of a state of being that is negative or less than, it is difficult to treat yourself with love, respect, and honor. Very difficult. So we take these negative, it's my fault. Or these negatives, it's because I'm weak. Or these negatives, why did they do this to me? Why did God let this person do this to me when I was eight years old? Okay. And what we can do is take those experiences, bring them into the sunlight of the spirit, and I'm talking about talk to someone you trust, take away the power, that negative secret. And then if you so choose, you can use that as a motivator that I am better than this because I have value, I have competency to life, I have self-respect, and I love me.

SPEAKER_01 30:31

That's a that's man.

The Hardest Truth: Self-Forgiveness

SPEAKER_03 30:33

I'm not saying that this didn't take me. I didn't that one day in the prison, it took me another really good, I'd say six, six, seven years. But I'd say I'll put it this way, I've been well probably since about 2021. Okay, I got out of no seven. So let's say it took 14 years to get to the level where I feel well now. And I'm I've been well for years now.

SPEAKER_00 30:58

I'm glad you're on the other side. It reminds me of one of my one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books. It's uh Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. But her quote is we're having conversations all the time, and sometimes they involve other people. So she's talking about the inner monologue that's a good thing.

SPEAKER_03 31:17

She's talking about self-talk. Let me let me say something to that. This is a very good, and uh I want the listener to hear this too, and I want you to hear this, Nate. I can tell more about your self-esteem by how you take a compliment than by how you take a criticism. Okay. Because if you start, if I give you a compliment and you deprecate it, or you try to defer it, or you try to diminish it, or you try to give it to others, that tells me it's not in congruence with your self-talk about your value, whether it's a specific event or an experience or as a whole. If I come up to you and say, hey, Nate, man, you are good people. That was like the highest compliment we could give on the streets. We just said good people. I mean, you are good people. Oh no, man, I man, I had the problem with my wife, and hey, I man, I didn't do too good in the in the in the unit exercise we just did, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because it's not an alignment. But if I give you a criticism and you're like, oh yeah, yeah, I'm gonna work on that, because that's an alignment with that your low self-esteem of your competency and value. So anyway, I just it's it's yeah, that's a good one.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

Well, we'll transition then. We'll segue because I'll jump ahead to self-esteem. I had truth on the list, but we'll go to self-esteem.

SPEAKER_03 32:50

We got a couple minutes. Let's do truth.

SPEAKER_00 32:53

Oh no, I'll come back. I'm just saying because we're on self-esteem.

SPEAKER_03 32:56

As long as we come back, because truth is my fundamental.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 32:59

I had one word, it's truth.

Integrating The Pillars When Life Hurts

SPEAKER_00 33:01

Truth, okay. So, where did your self-or sense, I should say, of self-worth originally come from? How did that transition start all the way back then?

Gratitude, Community, And Closing

SPEAKER_03 33:11

Well, it started as a child because my mother, my adoptive mother, Irene Miller, gave me a high sense that I was valued and loved, period. So I had it. Then when I went into my addiction, it wasn't even really my addiction. I I went into college broken at age 17. I went to college at age 17, broken. And what I mean about broken, my father was a violent alcoholic, ended up shooting my mom. And so I went through a lot of beatings and violence as a child. And I couldn't understand it because it's hard to understand as a child, because there's not reasons, and there weren't reasons other than he was an alcoholic that was bringing all of his pain and less than feeling as a black man growing up in the 30s, 40s, fought in World War II. And I was, again, I'm the recipient. Okay. So I believe me, I can talk about this for a while, but I understand, understand my father. I understand why he shot my mom. I just understand. It doesn't mean that it was all right, but I understand. Okay. Had the self, then I did a lot of actions. This is the one of the worst feelings in the world, is when you wake up and you don't trust yourself. You don't trust yourself to make good decisions. And I didn't for 20, 30 years. I would wake up to me and I'm like, dang, it's me. And I got to navigate this world, and I make a succession of poor decisions. And so once I started making good decisions, and I can I can almost give you the date. Really, the date was that day was on that, in the Unit 13 at Par Boulevard jail. That's when I started making a succession of good decisions. Now I had some hiccups along the way, believe that. You don't know what you don't know. And then again, you seek pleasure and you try to put off pain. And I did that. I did that in my marriage. And that got me in a lot of trouble. I got that, I had it happen with my relationships with others. Again, what my main indicator of conflict is friction between others. If someone's mad at me, there's a reason. Usually there's a reason. Sometimes it's not me, but many times it is me. I need to look at what is my behavior. What did I bring to this set piece for this friction to begin? Okay. And then I work on it. A lot of times I make apologies or amends. I used to. Again, I don't mess with people D Day. I haven't made an apology in a long time. Because I just don't, I don't have friction. I don't see friction, nobody brings to my attention. Because believe me, if if it's something in the family, my wife will bring it to my attention. I've caused friction.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

Yeah, it'll definitely get there. So on the show, I love to try to push out actionable tips. I feel like a lot of times in books you hear kind of hypotheticals and things like that. But I love to give things that people can take. So in the self-esteem realm, how do you how do you build it? You said it, you know, you kind of, you know, overcome growth and went through things for many years. What's a tip someone listening today could start to rebuild and continue to work on self-esteem?

SPEAKER_03 36:37

First thing, six pillars of self-esteem by Nathaniel Brandon, period. Six pillars of self-esteem by Nathaniel Brandon. He has another book called The Psychology of Self-Esteem, Psychology of Love. But the key one is the six pillars. Read it. First, you got to understand what self-esteem is. It's only two things it's competency and self-worth. Self-competency, we call efficacy of self, but the ability to make good decisions is one. Because if you make a succession of good decisions, how can you have high estimation of your ability to navigate the world? And then the other one is self-self-worth. Am I lovable? Am I lovable? And as a whole component. So those are two components of self-esteem. So that's the number one. Number two, you got to self-audit. Again, we talked about that. You got to self-audit.

unknown 37:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 37:30

And I another thing I wanted to say is I agree with you wholeheartedly. I'm not about theory. I'm not about talking to you from this level about some theory. I'm about actionable steps that you can take. And then at number three is you need the self-course, correct? And you also, I'm a big believer in being accountable to others outside of self. We've let ourselves down thousands of times. I can't tell you how many times I got my paycheck and said I'm not going to smoke crack cocaine. I cannot tell you. Or I'm not going to go to the bar or drink or to the club, whatever. I can't tell you how many times. It's just hundreds, if not thousands. Okay. So we've let ourselves down, but there's a, and this is again behavioral science. When you make yourself accountable to an outside, you know this from military. They teach this small unit, is that you're accountable to your squad. You're accountable to the smallest unit. Then we can grow up into the you know platoon and go company, all that. But you're you have a squad. If you have 10 men, eight men, whatever yours. And I'm not going to go into your military. You know it better than I do. But it's not about me. I'm there for them. I'm accountable to them to accomplish the mission. I mean, I can't, I can't, I've I've done a lot of reading on military history, and you know, they were talking to vets in World War II, and they go by people say, Oh, are you fighting for America or Apple Pie or your mom or your wife? No. The person to your left and right. Yeah, it's the guy, man, it's the guy in the in the foxhole with me. Just trying to get through this. Right. Or, you know, again, my squad, whatever it may be. So, again, outside accountability. I'm a big one on that. And then the other one, this is again, these are just growth techniques. None of these are, I would say, are brand new.

SPEAKER_01 39:33

I might have a different take on some. Write it down. Make it valid. Every day.

SPEAKER_03 39:41

Every, you know, Atomic Habits. I've read all of his books, two of them at least. And then I get his James Clear has a Thursday. I don't know if you know it, but he has a blog he sends out for free. It's awesome. Anyway, I write down every day my list of things I'm going to do. I had a list because I'm working today on Saturday. I own businesses and there's things I want to do. Anyway, I have my list and I have my habits. The other one, this is a big one. If you want to grow, want to be successful, you want to increase your self-esteem, control your environment. Control your environment. Control your environment. And sometimes to control your environment, you've got to let go.

SPEAKER_01 40:23

You got to let go of things, and you've got to let go of people. I don't hang out with crackheads. I don't hang out, be honest with you, with ex-cons.

SPEAKER_03 40:34

I might see them in a meeting here and there, but I don't go down to the corner and try to kick it with the guys. Even though I live in Blaine, Washington. I don't know if there are any corners I can kick it with.

SPEAKER_00 40:47

That's awesome. Yeah, I mean, you got to surround yourself with like people that want to continue to do successful things and iron sharpens iron. Well, Ken, your last truth or last pillar is truth. Ken, what was the hardest truth about yourself that took you the longest to accept?

SPEAKER_03 41:04

Very good question. Just give me a second on that one. Because I want to give you a good answer on that one. Repeat the question one more time.

SPEAKER_00 41:12

What truth about yourself took the longest to accept? So many.

SPEAKER_01 41:19

The truth is that I just put it in this term. That I'm just a child of God. I have a finite amount of time on this earth. Yes, I've made some mistakes. I've done some good things. And that I'm alright. The truth is I need to forgive myself. And until I could, I did some bad things, bro. Some bad things. I've hurt people.

unknown 41:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

I put people in the hospital.

SPEAKER_03 41:55

Okay, I've sold drugs. I've prostituted teenage girls. I've done some bad things. Okay. And it took me a long time to forgive myself for being a broken, fallible, near child of God of eight billion people.

SPEAKER_01 42:15

When I did that and embraced it and believed it, it allowed me to go on. But to do that, I had to I had to seek.

SPEAKER_03 42:28

And that's why I used the term now. And I didn't, even when I first started doing podcasts, I was broken. I was broken. I was broken when I was six. When I was because I went through foster homes, which was nothing nice. Okay. I was broken when I went off to college because I came off of all this violence and self-doubt. I was broken when I got out of college because now I added alcohol to the stew. I was broken when I got my first felony, my second felony, my third felony. I was broken when I got out of prison and had five, six years and was engaged in infidelity. I was broken. And I had to look at all those. I had to look at all those things that I had slid away from God's will and God's plan for me. And I know what that is. I understand God's will. And once I put myself in alliance and alignment, again, the word we use is congruence with God's will. My life has been beautiful. Things happen to me, Nate. Things are going to happen to you. People are going to die on you. Relationships are going to be severed. You will have financial setbacks at some point. You will have health issues at some point. But how you deal with that and how you see those as a small microsm of your total life or this whole world is a lot of times going to make or break you. Okay? And I'm not trying to talk to you or lecture to you. I'm just saying I'm saying this for myself. But I understand that all now. I got my best friend is dying right now. Dying. Stage four, prostate cancer. What do I do about that? Number one, I understand that's a truth. That's God's truth. And number two, what can I do to help you, bro? It's my cuz. What can I do to help you? And so I've flown out there twice. I won on what one day's notice to help him because I have the capacity to do that. Plus, it's the right thing to do.

SPEAKER_00 44:36

Absolutely. Some good truths. We're all flawed humans, but never too far from the love of God. Well, Ken, my final piece is always trying to bring it all together. So, Ken, how do growth, resilience, truth, and self-esteem reinforce each other when life gets hard? When what gets hard? When life gets hard.

SPEAKER_01 44:58

Oh, I think you said love gets hard. I was like, huh? They're all tools and they're all ways of looking at the world.

SPEAKER_03 45:11

Some people come to me and say, Man, I wish I was successful for like you are. I said, you're not because you don't think like I think. That's one of the reasons why. And that's not ego. I'm just saying you don't think. You haven't done I've had a lot of discomfort. I have a whole talk on the grind. What does it mean to grind? Okay. And anyway, using all those, truth, resilience, success, the ones that we've mentioned, those are all tools to change the way that you look at the world.

SPEAKER_01 45:48

This is one thing I'll also end with is when we tell our stories, and I I learned this, I'm neither or neither the hero nor the victim. Because I used to tell stories from both aspects.

SPEAKER_03 46:08

I'm not a hero and I'm not a victim. I'm just a child of God. I'm just a 63-year-old black man living in Blaine, Washington. I had some truth. And I hope something has resonated with someone in the audience. If I've helped one person, I've helped me.

SPEAKER_01 46:27

Just be on here. You know?

SPEAKER_03 46:30

And again, so I thank you, Nate, because Nate, you had and had the courage to do this. This takes time out of your life. You're an active duty military or whatever your military status is that has commitments to family and are, you know, to your vocation, your chosen vocation. But you've taken the time to provide something for the community because that's what I call the larger entity, the community. And I applaud and honor that. And I also want to applaud and honor those who are listening. You're different. You are different in a positive way because you've taken the time to find this podcast and listen to two individuals share and discuss and have discourse, have opinions, have beliefs.

SPEAKER_01 47:26

But you're doing something that hopefully you're trying to grow to achieve success, to achieve maturity, to achieve those end results that you so desire for you and your loved ones.

SPEAKER_00 47:44

Absolutely. Just got to get a little bit better each day. I used to have a coworker, his signature block and his emails used to say, trying to suck a little less each day. Not that that was really uh good. Just make, you know, make a few less mistakes the next day. Well, Ken, I appreciate your honesty and the way you showed up today. Before we wrap, where can people connect and learn a little bit more about you?

SPEAKER_03 48:05

Well, if you go to LinkedIn, become my friend. Connect with me on LinkedIn. Ken Miller84 is my handle. If you would like to communicate with me, my email is Ken at KenMillerSpeaks.com. And if you want to give me a call, my number is 907-250-8488. I've had people from podcasts contact me and we've sat down and had had lunch or dinner. Nice. They've flown up to literally I'm not gonna say they flew up. They were in Seattle. They don't live in Seattle, and they said, Hey, I'm gonna be in Seattle, because they think I'm two and a half hours north, but they think I'm right next door. But I I've gone down there and one came up to uh Bellingham.

SPEAKER_00 48:51

Yeah, that's good stuff. Well, to everyone listening, thanks for spending time with us. If anything today stuck with you, please share it. Push it to someone that needs it, sit with it, act on it, do whatever you need, but try to get it out to another person. I love you all. See ya.